And now, a random aside…
I turned 50 a couple weeks back (which is a crazy number, but I digress). A few days ago my brother sent a belated gift out of the blue: a new record player. I have to admit, as someone who’s on the computer and phone all day — thereby having access to unlimited streaming music — I was a little perplexed at stepping back in time to listen to my tunes. Last time I had one of these things, Michael Jackson’s Thriller was all the rage. But then I grabbed a few albums and fired it up in my office while I’m (not) working for Evil Empire…and I dig it. It’s fun to listen to favorite albums all the way through again, as opposed to randomly shuffling through individual songs; even better was watching the complete and utter confusion shown by the kids. I about died listening to their questions, having never seen a record or a player before. Then they wandered back to their PCs and iPads, and again I pondered how the more things change in this life, the more they stay the same, all while I listened to this new-old player…curled into the fetal position over in the corner, sucking my thumb.
You know what else hasn’t changed? The QB Farm Team playing like dog crap. I had a chance to eke out a victory this week against the equally hapless Science Walrus. Unfortunately, I chose poorly in the QB department (not hard to do when I have so many top-notch options in the stable), losing the matchup, 75.88 – 88.50. Now the winner of two straight, The Walrus finds himself slowly but surely crawling up the standings. Too bad you can’t go against me and Buzzy every week, eh Brent?
Speaking of Buzzy, we almost got the upset we’ve all been waiting for! I mean, a guy with no starting QBs somehow has Lady Luck shine upon him when JJ McCarthy entered the game and promptly threw an interception…then followed that up with some pretty flawless football, earning 16+ points in limited action. Surely Bryon would be rewarded?! But no, Johnnie had to go and get 24 from Tre Tucker, giving The Nightmare enough of a boost to put him over the top, 97.28 – 76.12. Oh well. We would have enjoyed seeing the miracle win. As for Bryon and his quest for 1.01? Call me crazy, but his sadness felt less than genuine.
And then we get to one of our favorite events of the season: The Battle of the Scotts! Two former champs, two perennial favorites, two pasty old men in kilts looking to get back to the Super Bowl. Both teams came into the matchup fresh off of brutal losses the week before. Unfortunately for Osterloh, the Dak-Lamb stack struggled again, while Palmquist had big games from Penix-Cook-and-Cousins. In the end, Growler Prowler came out on top, 122.22 – 109.76, handing Evil Empire his second loss in a row after starting 4-0. As if that wasn’t bad enough, The Empire now loses Davante Adams for the rest of the regular season due to a ruptured hammy. Ugh, sounds gross. Only thing nastier than that was when Palmquist gave Osterloh a wink with the old brown eye after his win.
Ok, ok…we’ve had some fun at Redman’s expense the past few weeks. His usual high-scoring offense has been lacking this year; that being said, he still found ways to win in a tough league, which is ultimately all that matters. In Week Six, Urban Achievers drew a tough matchup against Packer Hater, a fellow 4-1 team whose offense has been running at an all-time clip so far in 2026. On paper it seemed like Packer Hater was the team to beat, but wouldn’t you know it, Redman had a monster week from CMC, Nabers, and…KYLE PITTS?! What a way to quiet the naysayers with a 139.36 – 123.92 victory, launching the Achievers all the way to 2nd place!
Bringing up the rear, The Analrapist was already scrambling to keep his head above the toilet water in 2026, and now had to face Zach of the Mighty Wood. It would take Ted’s best lineup to even have a chance against our top team, and in his defense, he actually came close to doing it in Week Six! The only problem is that his best lineup was still 45 points short of ZaWood, who had his way with The Analrapists, 149.90 – 104.52. The loss left Ted feeling a little mouthy in defeat…
…after which he realized that may not have been the best thing to say around an opponent with Swinging Death between the legs:
Best of luck in Week Seven, fellas!
Andy
