Hello, and welcome back for our EIGHTH season of The Terrible Ten. How the hell has so much time passed?! Then again, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Seems like every year I lament the number of injuries in the league, and this year’s no exception. It started in the preseason with dings to Bowers, Tyson, Higgins, Henderson, and Tua, to name a few; the injury bug kept on biting after the games started, taking out Darnold, AJB, Murray, Garrett, and more. Doesn’t seem to matter how much analysis you put into the game when it ultimately boils down to closing your eyes, crossing your fingers, and praying to an uncaring god.
Not that a squad like the QB Farm Team stood much of a chance in 2026, injuries or not. After selling off everyone with a pulse (and even a couple guys who didn’t), I’m in full rebuild mode. At least it won’t take me long to climb back into 2nd place after drafting guys like Tyson (languishing on IR) and Lemon (who somehow caught three passes for -5 yards). Sigh. On the other end of the spectrum, fellow Toilet Bowl contender, The Analrapists, came out swinging with everyone’s favorite stack…Bryce Young and Jalen Coker?! There was a short stretch where it looked like those two might score more than my whole damned team! Double sigh. Congrats to Ted on the 151.34 – 96.76 thrashing. Those hips are in midseason form, my friend.
As bad as my team will be this year, I don’t see a way for anyone to be worse than Buzzystinger. Despite drafting QBs for years now, he finds himself in the unenviable position of not having a starting quarterback (in a Superflex league, no less). Then again, would it have mattered when Growler Prowler brought the pain? His Ravens trifecta netted damn near 100 points all by themselves (and may have got there if Flowers didn’t get hurt), leading to a lopsided 140.26 – 48.30 victory. Think it’s safe to say we’re about to see an 0-14 record from Buzzy. All Bryon needs to decide now is if he’s playing Shitty for Smitty or like Arse for Arch.
Making his TT debut is Unnamed Team Johnnie. He inherited a little bit of a mess from everyone’s favorite nonexistent league mate, Josh (oh, how I’ll miss “How was I supposed to know the draft was this weekend?!” and “It’s the offseason, why would I be looking at trade offers?!”). Johnnie finds himself in a pickle, wanting to rebuild the team, but lacking assets in upcoming drafts (you’re welcome, my friend). That being said, he *did* put up a massive score of 139.96; unfortunately, he went up against the Packer Hater, who achieved the week’s high score of 176.10 while simultaneously showing way too much enthusiasm about KW3’s squirting eggplant.
League history tells us a matchup between Evil Empire and Urban Achievers is destined to be a battle royale with plenty o’ chatter between the perennial powerhouses. Alas, this is the present, and it was rather fugly out there for Redman in Week One. I mean, when Chase was limited to 2.2 points and Pitts earned a bagel, there’s no shot for the Achievers to take down Scotty. Oh, and speaking of bagels, ole Skeletor worked up an appetite during his epic 131.88 – 83.12 win; unfortunately for the grocery store’s customers, a signage mishap pushed the villain to some vile shenanigans en route to satiating that hunger.
And last, Team ZaWood is out to prove that after years of flaccid fantasy football, his championship last season was no farce. Science Walrus looked to be a formidable opponent on paper…but then AJB tweaked an ankle and Maye threw a pile of INT’s during the NFL opener, and, well, The Woodster rose to the occasion, swatting the Walrus 174.26 – 107.98. Sorry, gents: looks like we’re in for more hard play, stiff competition, and engorged scores from Mr. Wood in 2026.
Best of luck in Week Two, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 