Today I’m harkening back to my 9th grade English class, taught by the fierce Mrs. Radetzke. She took no shit from us kids, and had a glare that would put Judge Judy to shame.
I remember the daily drills on things like spelling, grammar, and punctuation. It’s likely where I learned about the many uses for an asterisk. In writing, the asterisk usually denotes some kind of footnote, oftentimes with negative connotations, such as:
“Buzzy is a perennial favorite to put his name on The Terrible Ten trophy*.”
(* Assuming he steals it and spray paints his team name before we find him.)
Or
“Zach wins so much* he’s forgotten what it’s like to be flaccid.”
(* Hahahahahahahaha!)
Every so often, an asterisk is also used to denote something special, something exceptional, something unique to the point of requiring a call out. Something like:
How did we get to the point where I’m the first person in the league to win a playoff asterisk, as well as being the closest to earning the coveted bye-week double asterisk? I think I can boil it down to three words: pure fucking luck. I mean, my team is a’ight, but it’s not 9-2 material, nor a team anyone fears going into the playoffs, and certainly not a team that’s gonna win the ‘ship. And no, this isn’t reverse psychology to appear humble before the fantasy gods. While my QB Farm Team did win again, beating Growler Prowler 111.24 – 103.38, I would have lost to everyone else besides the two bottom dwellers in the league, and I needed a career day from Jonnu Smith (of all people) to eek out the victory. Yeesh. It’s safe to say I definitely don’t have the respect of the rest of the league.
The win opened up a two-game lead on Growler Prowler, and after a massive head start by Puff’s Punishers on TNF, it looked like I might also be two games up on Urban Achievers by the end of the weekend. Alas, as has happened more than once this season, Josh was a top-three scorer for the week…only to be in a matchup with the top dog. Redman’s 166.22 – 154.84 victory has him nipping at my heels for the top spot in the standings and hopeful for a first-week bye of his own.
It was a week for shootouts in The Terrible Ten, with The Analrapists vs Packer Hater giving us another helluva matchup that went right down the wire. Lead by solid QB play from Tua and Jameis (50 points) and a big day from Josh Jacobs (21 points), The Analrapists were able to survive a late push from Packer Hater, 140.62 – 133.12. Phew. Butthole play and pushing and packing. Brings me back to the glory days of MTV with all this innuendo.
Science Walrus and Buzzystinger regaled us with a war of a different kind: The Battle for Last Place. It was as ugly as it gets, with Brent forgetting to swap out a TE that wasn’t playing and Bryon forced to start a 2nd-string QB because his other options were benched, injured, or on bye. In the end, Science Walrus bumbled across the finish line first, winning 71.92 – 50.40. At the press conference following the game, it was explained to Brent that he was now two games out of last place and that much further from 1.01 in the 2025 draft. His response? Well, let’s just say he didn’t take the news well.
And last, even when he gets a rare victory, Zach fucks everything up. You see, while I’m busy scouring the internet’s taint week after week, looking through awful things to find acceptable memes and gifs for this newsletter, I sometimes come across stuff I save for future matchups. As such, I’d been sitting on a beauty for when ZaWood inevitably lost to Evil Empire, which would have saved me a few minutes of internet searches and a lifetime of trauma from trying to forget all the horrible things I see.
But wouldn’t you know it, ole Dick Whiplash had himself a week. With 54 from his Burrow-Higgins stack, and another 28 from Bo “Watch Out Jayden, There’s a New Rookie of the Year Candidate” Nix, Zach was able to beat Evil Empire 160.02 – 122.68 with a saber technique even Lord Vader had no answer for.
Reminder: this is the final week to wheel and deal before trades are locked for the season. You have until the end of MNF to ready your team for the playoffs or sell-baby-sell to prepare for a reset.
Best of luck in Week Twelve, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 