The Terrible Ten

Normally I like to start these newsletters with a bit of an introduction before diving into the scores. *sniffle* Usually there’s something *snort* newsworthy in the NFL that I *snifflesniffle* can use as a segue to the Terrible Ten scores. *snotsuck* But this week I…I…

My apologies. Not sure what came over me there. After all, it’s Evil Empire that should be sobbing like a baby. He had the unenviable task of taking on Horseshoe Up My Hooper, the undisputed King of Number Two.

My team has had 2nd Place on lock since this league’s inception, having lost in the Super Bowl each of the past two years. Despite it being Evil Empire who took the title last year, surely he had to know he had no shot of a repeat in 2021, right?

I sent that reminder to Scott myriad times this past week. Only problem is the son of a bitch forgot to tell Dak and Davante and Mixon (oh my!), so while I had impressive scores from the likes of Burrow, Murray, and the ever-reliable Cooper Kupp, it wasn’t enough to invoke the power of Greyskull and overcome Lord Skeletor (thanks for nothing, James Robinson and Alvin Kamara). The final score was a bloodbath, 151.72 – 110.70, snapping my streak of 2nd Place finishes and sending me to the consolation game while Scotty is back in the Super Bowl for the second year in a row. And wouldn’t you know it, he came away with a little something to remember the occasion.

The other semifinal matchup pitted Urban Achievers against the top seed, Puff’s Punishers. On paper this one looked like a laugher, but Redman’s been the underdog much of the season and it hasn’t stopped him yet. Hell, he even won a first-round playoff game against The Analrapists with only 70ish points! If that’s not charmed, I don’t know what is.

But I mean, c’mon. This is the wire-to-wire Number One squad we’re talking about this week. Outside of a small hiccup late in the year, Josh has been steamrolling teams all season. Sure, he had some studs out in his Round Two matchup— both Cook and Kelce were victims of Covid — but his chosen replacements (Mattison and Conklin) turned in serviceable scores in their absence. Surely the Punishers would put away Redman’s upstart team?

I don’t even know what to say anymore. No one on Redman’s team carried the day — his 20.20 points from Jaylen Waddle came on MNF after the matchup was already decided. Instead, he had steady output from his entire roster while Josh had some duds from Barkley, Hill, and Stafford. The end result was a 111.34 – 85.24 whooping, thereby sending The Punisher home to lick his wounds for another offseason.

Meanwhile, Redman undid his cleats, pulled out his nasty-ass foot…

…and slid that sumbitch right back where it belongs.

So there you have it. Evil Empire extracted the lucky charm from my backside and will undoubtedly try to use whatever mojo it still possesses; Urban Achievers is playing with a magic as powerful as any this league has ever seen. Horseshoe vs Glass Slipper: which talisman will win out in The Terrible Ten’s epic Super Bowl matchup?!

Andy

p.s. Son of a bitch, even with two holes in his lineup, Alex won again!! This is getting silly, man. Really, you should trade away all those picks and roll as-is next year. Don’t want to break up this chemistry!