The Terrible Ten

I thought I’d open with a question, directed squarely at Round One of the playoffs:

Thank God and Sonny Jesus I had a bye this week in Terrible Ten and had been eliminated from contention in my other leagues, because I can’t imagine how stressful it was to watch those games and *need* points from key players, only to be skunked. If you’ve been online the past few days, it’s hard to escape the memes:

My apologies to the four teams that not only had to navigate that gauntlet, but also had to deal with nonstop covid notifications going into the weekend. Not an easy obstacle course to run, but them’s the breaks.

We’ll start with Evil Empire vs Science Walrus, a playoff matchup that seemed very likely to occur way back in the preseason — Scott being the reigning champ and Brent having a fearsome lineup. Only it almost didn’t happen for either team. The Empire was 2-5 before winning six in a row, and The Walrus couldn’t keep a soul healthy on his squad, yet managed to sneak into the playoffs by the skin of his teeth last week.

The Empire got off to a quick start with 30 from Patrick Mahomes. Not insurmountable by any means, but two things happened: first, Scotty piled up even more points thanks to a big game from Jonathan Taylor (23.00) and steady production from the rest of his lineup; and second, Brent was Brent, as he had an early-game injury to Mike Evans (1.90) and lackluster play from guys like Amari Cooper (1.80) and Russell Wilson (4.24). The end result was a 104.88 – 87.14 victory for The Evil Empire, a victory so painful for The Walrus he decided to quit the league and, well, life in general.

Meanwhile, Scotty’s celebrating his advancement to the semifinals the only way he knows how.

And then we come to The Analrapists versus Urban Achievers. While Ted had been to the playoffs before, his team last year was a bit of a house of cards: good record, but incredibly lucky due to low points scored each week. This year’s squad was much improved and poised to make a run. Speaking of improvement, I think Redman blew expectations out of the water, not only rebuilding from scratch, but making his presence felt in Year One by attaining his first playoff appearance.

And man, what an epic (turd of a) matchup it was! There were (almost no) thrills! There were (barely any) chills! It was(n’t) edge of your seat entertainment! It was (please blind me because this was NOT) must-see TV!

In all seriousness, this was about the worst fucking playoff matchup I’ve ever seen…until the MNF doubleheader began. I mean, don’t get me wrong, this whole matchup still sucked, but holy shit, I’ve never seen a crazier finish in all my days of FF. Redman’s team was done for the week, sitting at a lowly 72 points, and Ted was roughly 18 points behind…but had two of the hottest WRs in the league going on Monday — Hunter Renfrow and Justin Jefferson. Done deal, amiright?!

Hunter Renfrow played in the first matchup, but was held to only 4.7 points. No bueno, but hey, Justin Jefferson was still to come! What if I told you in advance he scored a touchdown almost immediately, and he finished with 10 — count ‘em, 10! — targets? Surely The Analrapists got a paltry 14 points when all that happened, right?!

Target after target. Fresh sets of downs when the Bears defense kept shooting itself in the foot and letting the Vikes offense stay on the field. A late catch from JJ that brought Ted right up to the edge of victory…but in the end, Urban Achievers won a war of attrition against The Analrapists, 72.24 – 71.56, sending Ted packing and moving Redman to the next round. Phew!

Now, I’m not sure about Ted, but I *know* that matchup took years off Redman’s life. If I had to guess, this is what it looked like as Cody stressed over every throw Kirk Cousins made:

After a good night’s rest (and some blessed silence for the rest us), Redman was right back to his cocksure ways. In fact, I heard Ted tracked down his opponent and tried to offer up the customary post-game handshake, but Cody — having tasted sweet victory and had it go straight to his head — big-timed The Analrapists.

And with that, Round One is in the books. Next week’s games offer up some juicy matchups, as Evil Empire and Horseshoe Up My Hooper meet in a rematch of last year’s Super Bowl, and Urban Achievers meet Puff’s Punishers in a rivalry even the Packers and Bears can’t touch.

Best of luck in Round Two, fellas!

Andy

p.s. Anyone else notice Alex crushed yet again this week? How dafuq are you doing this, man?!