I’m writing this week’s newsletter as the last of Tuesday night’s numbers are trickling in for the 2020 Election. It appears the counting is at a bit of a standstill for the time being, which was to be expected. It’s my guess that it’ll take awhile before we have a definitive answer one way or the other, what with recounts and possible litigation and what-have-you. Then again, it was also my guess years ago that Corey Coleman would solve my WR2 issues in a different fantasy league, so what the fuck do I know?!
While I may not be a great political mind, my brain is 100% certain that my team has been awful the past few weeks (even though I did manage to beat Brent during that time. Had I mentioned that before?). Despite Josh doing his best to tank the season away, his Punishers dropped the hammer on my Christian-less crew, 105.02 – 72.06. I admit I’m still reeling from losing to a damned 1-6 team. Why couldn’t they have sent one of the other guys to play me instead?!
My loss meant Scotty could have opened up a bigger lead on the rest of us, but ScienceWalrus had other ideas this weekend, plunging a tusk right in the Evil Empire’s guts en route to a 131.46 – 92.58 victory. When I interviewed Brent after the game, I asked what brought about such savagery in his matchup. Here’s what I found out:
The Analrapists, aka The Little Engine That Could, came into the week in sole possession of third place despite scoring the fewest points in the league. While ZaWood didn’t exhibit the offensive punch he’s shown in previous weeks, his 96.08 points were more than enough to clobber Ted’s 68.92-point effort. Rumor has it The Analrapists were pretty pumped about Tua Time heading into the week. Sadly, my hidden camera showed a much different countenance after the loss.
Zero points from Kenny Golladay and another turd from Jimmy G? Most managers, myself included, would blow a gasket. But Alex? Nah, Alex stayed cool as a cucumber. He just whipped up a special potion, fed it to Dalvin in the pregame, and turned him loose for damn-near 50 points, which was more than enough to take care of Redman’s Underachievers. Truth be told, The Wiz’s power has me a little jealous. I mean, having the Christians on my side is ok, I guess, but it seems like Alex’s black magic would be more fun…
And last, after a slow start to the season, Growler Prowler has quietly rattled off three wins a row, moving up to third place and giving him a chance to defend his title. This week’s opponent, the up-and-down Buzzystinger, figured he’d swarm Scott and prove to “bee” too much. Bryon’s misstep was forgetting Scott’s body composition is one-fifth honey from all the Weiss he’s downed over the years, leading to a contest that looked more like an orgy than a football game.
Best of luck in Week Nine, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 