The Terrible Ten

Man. Just…man.

Fantasy football has to be one of the least forgiving games out there. Everyone in The Terrible Ten knows about heartbreak — a multi-INT game from a typically steady QB; a defense that locks down an otherwise potent offense; an injury that leaves a doughnut in your starting lineup; being a top scorer over an entire season, yet still taking losses anyway. It leaves most normal people asking us a simple question:

Yet every so often the sun shines upon a lucky few, the managers who persevere, who don’t panic, who push through and overcome all the obstacles that are placed before them. It takes strength, it takes drive, and in the end, good things come if…

All season long, Evil Empire was a force to be reckoned with, high atop the standings with a 12-2 record. The sky appeared to be the limit for this perennial powerhouse…but instead of bearing down and keeping his eyes on the prize, he decided to take a lame three-week trip to Southeast Asia, disregarding his responsibilities to his players. The end result? A loss in the semifinals, followed by a 94.68 – 122.74 loss to Science Walrus in the consolation bracket, choosing a once-in-a-lifetime walk with some elephants in exchange for a big fat L.

Whereas The Walrus overcame the disappointment of losing a winnable game in the semis by staying steady and earning a cool $50 for his effort. Now THAT’S the heart of a champion!

Ok, ok, let’s stop wasting time on the lesser Scott and move on to the Super Bowl, which saw former TT champ Growler Prowler against the up-and-cumming ZaWood, the winner of which earns a cash prize and their name immortalized upon Gertrude the Trophy, which is sure to cause one of these guys to lose some fluids. Will it be a drunk Growler Prowler?

Or an overstimulated ZaWood?

The three Thursday/Christmas games offered no presents for either team, with Gibbs getting skunked for ZaWood and Sutton/Ferguson not doing much better for Growler Prowler. Worse, Scott traded a 1st for Bill earlier in the season, but his 22.50 points were seated firmly on the Prowler’s bench!

But oh, that Saturday game between the Packers and Ravens. It was looking like ZaWood was on Santa’s Naughty List (make a run at Mrs Claus, Zach?!) because Jacobs got a lowly .8 points on the day. As for Growler Prowler, he must be drinking buddies with ole Santa because he crushed, getting 11 from Flowers, an amazing 31 points in a spot start by Malik Willis, and a whopping 45 points from the ageless King Henry. With a score of 100 – 5 going into the Sunday games, Scott was in cruise control.

Things got a little closer on Sunday, with some of Prowler’s players coming up short (8 for Cook, 5 for Carter-not-Bill) and ZaWood rising to half-mast with 23 from Lawrence, 20 from both Swift and Burrow, and 18 from Loveland. When the dust settled, Growler Prowler was ahead by roughly 5 points and still had Cousins AND Puka on MNF, whereas ZaWood was down to Bijan. Tighter than he wanted, but Growler Prowler still had to feel pretty good…right?

And then the magic happened. Cousins had a mediocre game, Puka was held in check most of the night (and, speaking of holding, had multiple big plays called back because of O-line penalties), and Bijan played a game for the ages, including a 93-yard TD scamper that put ZaWood over the top, 146.02 – 137.06! As you might imagine, Zach needed some release after a season of rock-hard play…

…and then he slept the peaceful rest of a champion.

Enjoy it, Zach, and congrats on the victory!

Before I go, we got word that Josh of Puff’s Punishers is calling it a career after this season. While he was a virtual ghost in the chat, and on waivers, and in free agency, and in rounds two and three of the playoffs, and during the offseason, he was a beast in the regular season and gave it a helluva go over the past seven years. Thanks for playing, sir.

I was hoping to fill his spot quickly — while Josh had a strong roster during his tenure, many of the players are getting a little long in the tooth, so the roster is probably in need of some work — and our friend Johnnie answered the call. I wish I could tell you Johnnie was a paper tiger, but he comes fresh from a league in which he was a three-time champion and almost made it four in a row before he was Bijan’d like Growler Prowler. He’ll have some work to do to whip his roster into shape, but it only took him a couple years of trades and draft picks in that aforementioned league before he started dominating. Long story short, this league just got a lot harder. Welcome aboard, Johnnie, and woe to the rest of us.

And with that, I’m off to tweak offseason settings, set a draft date (I mean, who doesn’t want to see that clock counting down to Draft Day?!), and fire off some questionable trades. Thanks again, everyone, for making The Terrible Ten such a fantastic league. This is a good group of guys, and I’m happy to be part of it.

Happy offseason, fellas!

Andy