The Terrible Ten

My oh my. As if the 2025 season didn’t already feel like being a contestant on Squid Game, this past week stuck a knife in the ribs and twisted HARD.

Some folks, like the Achane and Lamb owners, got lucky the numbers were high before the injuries happened. Other folks, like the Tyrod Taylor and Danny Dimes owners, were put behind the 8-ball from the jump, dealing with early injuries that yielded no points.

And then we have something like QB Farm Team vs Puff’s Punishers. For now I’ll set aside the fact I’ve once again cultivated a rising star (price is now two 1sts, Buzzy) and instead we’ll focus on Jalen Hurts, who can’t blame injury on a five-turnover night (including one play where he went -4 from an INT *and* a fumble!). It was a performance that damn near moved me from 1.01 to 1.03. Thankfully, Barkley came though with a long run and Keenan Allen’s late rinky-dink 6-yard catch put Puffy over the top, 82.56 – 81.70. It’s early in the review process for the 2026 draft, but I think I’m already in love…

Things weren’t looking good for Science Walrus a few weeks back, but hey, finishing the season against the worst teams in the league will right a lot of wrongs. This week the Walrus drowned Buzzystinger 92.54 – 68.02, earning his third win in a row and entering the playoffs as the fifth seed. Unlike Buzzy, the Walrus is no stranger to the playoffs. It’s advancing to the next round that continues to be the problem.

Two teams that are not averse to deep runs in the playoffs are Evil Empire and Urban Achievers, winners of most of our league’s championships. Sadly for Redman, a winnable matchup got away from him because of the injury bug, losing both starting quarterbacks early and then adding Achane to the “out” list by midgame. The end result was an 84.12 – 107.54 loss that dropped him to the fourth seed. Skeletor, meanwhile, locked up a bye awhile back, so he immediately left for a European vacation, looking to blow off some steam before heading back to the States to prep for Round Two. Last I heard, he was in Italy. One would think he’d take in the Colosseum or the Sistine Chapel while he was there. How silly of me.

While we’re on the subject of plugging holes, the Analrapist hasn’t been able to figure it out for months now. Loser of eight in a row coming into the week, his ship continued right on sinking against Growler Prowler, who even spotted Ted a -2 from Tyrod! No matter. The Analrapist got bent, 81.06 – 118.80, the Growler Prowler rode a four-game winning streak into the playoffs, and Ted is left to hope the Vikes take a new QB that he can stack with JJ and Addison, or the losing streak might continue well into next year.

And last, after years of futility, ZaWood walloped the league this year en route to the number one seed. All the abuse from the commish, all the dick jokes, all the frustration, all fell by the wayside as a combination of smart drafting and shrewd trading changed our flaccid flounderer into a strong dong in just a few months’ time. His latest win, 158.84 – 104.12 against Packer Hater, has the Woodster locked and loaded for the playoffs. Good god, am I happy I’m not on the receiving end of that unit. Congrats, Zach! You deserve to whoop it up with your posse before cumming back to work in a couple weeks.

And, just like that, the 2025 regular season is over!

But hey, don’t head into hibernation yet because everyone still has something to play for. This week we have (3) Growler Prowler against (6) Packer Hater and (4) Urban Achievers against (5) Science Walrus (shhhh…Brent is 2-0 against Redman this year; will it be third-time’s-a-charm for the Walrus to finally advance?). For the league losers, the Toilet Bowl gets underway with (10) QB Farm Team against (7) Puff’s Punishers and (8) Buzzystinger against (9) The Analrapists, all for an opportunity to win an extra $15 FAAB for next season. Yahoo!

Best of luck in Round One, fellas!

Andy