The Terrible Ten

Many moons ago, I was the commissioner of a 12-team standard redraft league at my workplace. I’d gloat that during its eight-year run I had a stretch where I won 4 out of 5 years, but, well, it’s not like competition was stiff-like-ZaWood when half the people only played for the office camaraderie and then stopped filling lineups halfway through the season.

When Science Walrus approached me seven (seven!!) years ago about trying a superflex dynasty league, I brought along the best of the best from that work league: Growler Prowler, an original member of The Dirty Dozen, who never won it all but was in the mix every year; Evil Empire, who was hired just before the league’s second year and promptly won the whole damned thing; and Ted, manager of The Analrapists, who was hired a year or two after Evil Empire’s championship.

Now, for the folks who don’t know Ted, he’s top-notch. Work-wise, he’s sharp as a tack. We’re lucky to have him in our department. Football-wise, he’s a passionate fan of both the real sport AND this dumb fantasy game, routinely at the top of the standings in our old work league (with a bad case of QB Farm Team-itis: crushing during the regular season before falling short in the playoffs). At home, he’s a girl-dad, which deserves all kinds of trophies and awards in and of itself.

Which makes this next part all the more uncomfortable.

As alluded to in the chat, I’m having a down year in my three dynasty leagues. It was expected in a couple of them; you can’t sell every usable asset during a rebuild and expect to win. In the other league, I wasn’t expecting the Super Bowl, but I thought I’d be flirting with a playoff spot. Heh. After five weeks, I was 0-5 in each league, sold off all the assets in that third league, and was patiently waiting for spring 2026’s draft season.

And then we came to Week Six. Glorious, glorious Week Six.

My team was in shambles. Stroud was on bye and my other QBs were out. I’d just sold Bill, Benson, and Carter, taking a thin RB group and decimating it further. My starting TE was on IR. My starting WRs were borderline 2nd/3rd options on their respective teams. Let’s face it: my losses were already embarrassing, and I was about to flirt with the all-time low score for The Terrible Ten with the way my roster looked.

And really, was it a bad thing? I’ve positioned myself well for the future, stockpiling draft picks for the next three years, and for once I have my own picks, so I should be drafting early. But, you see, here’s the problem: I hate losing in this game. I just can’t tank. I’m not gonna spend my draft capital to help my roster this year, but I also can’t have a McLaurin-like hole in my lineup and feel good about it. So, my chances were slim this week, but when that voice said “It’s over,” I had to retort with:

No QB? Time to hit the wire and snag Cooper Rush and Jacoby Brissett. Not liking the Flex options? Pick up Flournoy, ponder a bit, then go back and get Tez Johnson instead. Load up on draft picks by selling the glitzy Arizona RBs to my opponent, but save the “real dawg” for my own lineup. Eh. It wasn’t much, but it looked respectable.

And then, the unthinkable happened. Even though I grenaded myself by adding Rush’s -1.12 points to my score, the fucking QB Farm Team came through. Led by Arizona’s best RB (Bam Knight’s 11.90 points) and finished off with savvy vet Zach Ertz’s 13.30 on prime time, my squad pounded The Analrapists 80.48 – 71.60. Half my damn lineup wasn’t even on my team a week before this matchup, and I still came up with the W! Goddamn, that felt good. As for Ted, that’s the kind of loss that derails an entire season. The kind of loss that demoralizes a guy well into the future. The kind of loss that has the rest of the league saying:

But again, Ted is a really, really, really great guy who is sure to forget all about this next time I have a work question. For sure.

Yeah.

Anyway, I already wrote a whole damned newsletter about QB Farm Team’s epic victory, and normally I’d just leave the spotlight on me and call it quits, but there were some *real* epic victories that deserve attention as well. More on those soon.

First, we had what looked to be a solid matchup on paper, putting Urban Achievers up against Growler Prowler, two of our top-scoring teams this season. Unfortunately, Scott’s team peed down its leg this week, getting nothing from anyone, having a QB who was part of a net -10 yards in the passing game, and oh, his star WR went down with an ankle injury, all of which lead to an embarrassing 76.68 – 150.80 loss to Urban Achievers. To put this in perspective, Scott, you’d have lost to me too. Oof. Clean up on aisle one.

For one week, it appeared Buzzy’s strategy of a Browns Past & Present squad might just be the trick. This week? Well, let’s just say it might be time to go back to the drawing board after the same lineup failed to put up even half the points it scored last week, getting clotheslined by Packer Hater 62.20 – 106.96. The loss puts Buzzy back at the bottom of the standings. As for Alex, he’s fighting to stay in the thick of it, and will surely get even better once he adds all those new QBs to his roster. Right? Right?!

Evil Empire has been up against it this season. He’s faced QBs and stingers and rapists and punishers and achievers, and he’s shown just how evil he is as he smites them all. It goes without saying that a walrus didn’t sound any more intimidating than the aforementioned opponents…but that’s why we play the games. While Scotty had massive output from his QBs and JT, the rest of his team let him down. Science Walrus, on the other hand, had a decent week from most guys, followed by outstanding performances from Caleb and London on MNF, rattling Skeletor’s bones, 130.54 – 117.72. The win wasn’t without injury — Egbuka is dealing with a hammy — but for now, Brent is just happy to be back in the playoff hunt. As for Scotty, his focus had been on an undefeated season, but now that Brent has taken it away from him, he’s pivoting to other things. First on the list: the upcoming holiday season.

And so, we get to ZaWood. Historically I’ve left him in the final spot of the newsletter. This is mostly because there are *significantly* more dick memes and gifs on the interwebz than, say, a funny QB or Punisher pic. Fast forward to 2025, and ZaWood is no longer the laughingstock of the league. After bumbling out of the gate in Week One, he’s been a machine this season. This week was more of the same, as he took out Puff’s Punishers at the knees, winning 151. 06 – 96.04. The five wins in a row, added to the massive Points For in Week Six and Evil Empire’s first loss of the season means, yes, it’s true…ZaWood has made it to the top, baby!

Sunday morning game again, plus BUF and BAL are on bye. Adjust those rosters accordingly. Best of luck in Week Seven, fellas!

Andy