What a difference a week makes! Before I begin, I should give credit where credit is due: it was Science Walrus’ idea of feeding last week’s newsletter into an AI app to generate a podcast that has my fingers itching to write! I mean, hearing AI immediately gravitate toward the slow-motion titties in last week’s newsletter just about killed me. Let’s see what we can drum up this week.
It may seem weird coming from a computer programmer, but I hate the concept of AI. Shit’s been around in IT for awhile, giving people the ability to “program” by just dragging stuff around the screen while the computer generates all the code behind the scenes. Fine, whatever. Where it kind of burns my ass is in the creative world. Magazines are being bombarded by short stories that people generate via AI apps (like the two soulless computer-generated fucks that took my newsletter and turned it into a podcast last week); the art world is inundated with crappy images of people with fourteen fingers and ears coming out of their throats as talentless “artists” tell the computer what to do, but have no idea how to “fix” the errors because, you know, they’re not artists who have honed a skill over time; actors are being replaced as extras in favor of CGI bullshit in the backgrounds of movies. So yeah, fuck these apps, and fuck the two commentators who will process what I’ve written and read it back in a humorous way (even if they did make me laugh about the titties). AI will never be a replacement for human talent. Instead, it’s a bloodsucking leech, unable to do anything on its own without infringing copyright and stealing words, images, tunes, etc in order to make it “intelligent.” Choke on my hairy old-man balls, AI!
Phew. Ok. I’m just having a little fun with our overlords.
(Not really. Fuck Skynet, viva la resistance, and long live John Connor!)
Ok, ok, let’s get back to the important stuff, like my 107.98 – 78.90 victory over Science Walrus. Now, I don’t want to get too haughty — my QB Farm Team had a pretty low score in the win, and it took Brent getting almost nothing from Etienne, Bigsby, and Olave for me to beat him — but I don’t care. It’s my fourth win in a row, bumping me up to fourth place on the year. More importantly, even though it’s Science Walrus’ fourth loss in a row, dropping him to ninth place overall, he’s *still* better than AI at fantasy football because, like the scarecrow in Wizard of Oz, that dumb computer app has no brain.
[Enjoy me fingering you after I piss and don’t wash my hands, you talentless hack.]
After staking his early-season claim as the team to beat (yet again), Evil Empire finds himself losing traction in his bid for a Three-peat (uh, 2 and 1/2-peat?). It looked like Scotty might get back to his winning ways in Week Six, up about 14 points going into MNF, but Allen Lazard went off for 20 and gave Puff’s Punishers the victory, 129.56 – 123.54. Both teams are now 3-3 on the season, down but not out, able to stand up and dust themselves off because, you know, they have arms and legs, unlike those 1’s and 0’s (emphasis on zeroes) at ChatGPT.
Best buds Buzzystinger and The Analrapists met this week. Despite his trashy record, Bryon has kept it close recently. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be this week, as Ted’s Mayfield-Godwin stack scored almost 56 points, swatting Buzzystinger 103.08 – 81.26. After the game, the two friends shook hands, congratulated each other on a well-fought battle, and went their separate ways with no hard feelings. Quite the contrast from AI, which has no feelings and certainly has no friends.
Not that any one game is better than the others in this league, but if I had to pick a Game of the Week, it would have been Urban Achievers versus Growler Prowler. Two former champs duking it out, toe-to-toe, trying to demoralize their opponent while staying atop the standings. And man, what a battle it was. Ultimately it was something as nasty as an early injury to Marvin Harrison that gave the edge to Growler Prowler in this barnburner, 133.82 – 125.36. Doesn’t get any better than that matchup. I mean, I’m sure the AI bros would say the computer could pick a better team and take down Growler Prowler, which makes me laugh. That matchup would be over before it even started.
And last, as always, we come to ZaWood. Now, if ever there was a time I’d have to give the nod to a computer’s help, it would be with ZaWood. I think we can all agree that computers are second-to-none at creating erections. Why else were they even invented other than to catalogue porn so guys like Zach can get it up on gameday?! Seems almost unfair to give ZaWood the AI advantage this week. I mean, guaranteed victory right?! Unfortunately, Packer Hater’s MNF combo of Garrett Wilson and Josh Allen had all the dick power needed to overcome a 34-point deficit and win, 140.08 – 129.08. Way to come through in the clutch, computer AI!
Best of luck in Week Seven, fellas (and one last “fuck you” to the “podcasters” before I sign off).
Andy
The Terrible Ten 