So, it’s about 5am on Wednesday, October 9. By now I’d usually have the first half of the newsletter written (a couple times I’d already be finished and have the damned thing posted), but I’m just now starting. Not sure what’s going on this week, but words are failing me. Maybe it’s that I’ve gone 3-0 for the second week in a row in my dynasty leagues, thereby giving me less to fuss about? I mean, I even started my lowest-scoring TE yet again, while Mark Andrews became my highest-scoring option on the bench, and I can’t even drum up enough anger to say anything about it (my poem in last week’s newsletter rid me of my angst…for now). Guess I’ll just resort to the oldest trick in the newsletter-writing book: when all else fails, give readers some slow-motion titties and call it good.
On paper, my Week Five victory over Buzzystinger wasn’t much of a surprise. I don’t say that because my team is good (it isn’t), but because Buzzy was supposed to be awful. However, surprising QB play from Danny Dimes and the immortal Joe Flacco, coupled with solid play from unlikely players (looking at you, Kareem Hunt), had Buzzy too close for comfort in his 112.74 – 124.20 loss to my QB Farm Team. His Week Three win over ZaWood, along with recent close losses to me and Urban Achievers, shows that Bryon still has a little punch left in him.
Good to see how much my trade with Alex negatively affected his ability to succeed after he…
*checks notes*
*cleans glasses*
*rechecks notes*
…had the high score this week, clubbing Science Walrus, 140.90 – 110.66. Honest to God, I’d change my name to “Packer Hater Hater” if I didn’t respect Alex’s trade-game so much. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there’s not much to respect about the shit the Science Walrus is shoveling this season. I mean, he’s only a fraction of a point from being below ZaWood, for fuck’s sake!
Ahh, the annual Battle of the Scotts. Two champs of The Terrible Ten. Two swell guys in real life. Two guys who badly want to bludgeon the other when they meet on the virtual gridiron. This season finds them both atop the league in scoring, but this week it was Growler Prowler who found himself atop the standings, winner of four in a row after drowning Evil Empire, 131.06 – 112.64. Watch out, fellas: Scott P is feeling pretty cocksure right now.
[Tried to find someone in a kilt teabagging an opponent, but all that got me was another Google warning.]
A couple years back, Redman stated I had a horseshoe up my ass during one of my winning streaks. I submit that it’s The Analrapists who have the foreign object up their backside, having one of the lowest Points For in the league, while also having one of the lowest Points Against. The combo has allowed Ted to stay relevant in the standings, even more so after dumping Urban Achievers this week, 113.26 – 111.72. Guessing The Analrapists have no interest in giving up their horseshoe, but I’m sure they’re happy to slide you something else, Red.
And last, we come to ZaWood. It’s been a brutal season for the Woodster. Fresh off back-to-back drafts that allowed him to load up on young talent, Zach hasn’t been able to find the best combination to get him over the, ahem, hump. It looked like more impotency was on the menu this week, going up against one of the highest scorers in the league in Puff’s Punishers. But lo and behold, a miracle happened. Zach’s Burrow-Higgins stack awoke to the tune of 58+ points, and DJ Moore added 25 more with his best game of the season, all of which helped ZaWood kneecap The Punishers, 137.54 – 111.96! After a helluva battle, Josh tried to offer his congratulations at midfield, but Zach quickly ducked out. Not very sportsmanlike, but then again, sometimes nature calls.
Best of luck in Week Six, fellas!
Andy
p.s. AI kind of scares the shit out of me, but this is pretty funny. Brent fed the newsletter into some fancy-pants app, and it created a ten-minute podcast based on what I wrote. Equal parts funny and creepy. Check it out.
The Terrible Ten 