One of the more cliched things in our society is creating and nursing a bad habit over a long period of time, then trying to change that habit overnight on New Year’s Day. Diet and exercise are likely tops on the list of resolutions, but they usually fizzle out after a week or two. I’m guilty as hell in regard to this. After all, pizza and beer on the couch sounds waaaaaay better than protein-shake meal replacement after an hour-long jog on the treadmill.
But, lo and behold, I successfully kept a resolution this year. I’ve always wanted to try writing stories and getting them published. In January I set a goal to realize this dream, cranking out short stories for now, hoping to write longer works down the road. Since then, I’ve published eight tales and have a couple more coming out this month.
Starting this new habit was tough, but I’ve found the easiest way to keep the ball rolling is forcing myself to sit down and put in the work, even when I don’t want to. You see, the well has been a little dry lately, but the only way out of writer’s block is pushing through, right? Right! And so, I did just that.
Rather than deal with the hustle and bustle of finding a new home for my latest work, I figured I’d share it here with you guys. I hope you dig it. I call it:
“Ode to Masturbation.”
I’ve never been shy
Of being a masturbator.
I mean, a guy has needs
For which he needs to cater.
—
Most times it happens
While dreaming of a chick,
But I’ve had it happen
After trading a pick.
—
Such was the case
On a fine spring day
When I conducted a trade
On the 25th of May.
—
Offloading “washed up” Geno
And a handful of picks
for Andrews and Goff?
Who needed tits?!
—
I was championship bound
With this roster of my creation!
This time I’d even win!
Bring on the masturbation!!
—
Four weeks in
And my tune has now changed.
The result of this trade
Has left me deranged.
—
Goff has been miserable
Prior to Week Four,
And Andrews is a ghost,
That mf’ing whore.
—
So no, it’s not me
Who became the masturbator.
With the better QB and 1.01?
Turns out…it’s Packer Hater.
Ends up I didn’t even need that turd, Mark Andrews. With 50+ from my Stroud-Collins stack, and another 55+ from my trio of RBs, the QB Farm Team had more than enough firepower to win the 133.52 – 121.62 shootout with Puff’s Punishers. The win not only got me back to 2-2 on the year, but also provided clarity on how to handle my TE spot the rest of the way. Viva Zach Ertz!
Speaking of stinky, Science Walrus had no answer for Growler Prowler this week, nearly getting doubled up, 83.36 – 163.32. Brent’s squad did ok with carries, receptions, and yardage, but couldn’t get a whiff of a touchdown. Not true for Scott, whose team peppered the end zone all day, capped off by huge points from Derrick Henry’s 200 yards and 2 TDs. Ahh, it’s good to be King.
The matchup between Evil Empire and Packer Hater turned into a helluva high-scoring battle. The Champ is always a tough beat, but most of Alex’s horses also came to play. Unfortunately, he took negative points from the TE slot (hell, even *I* did better than that), and Josh Allen was on the downswing of this on-again-off-again season, leaving Alex just short, 121.70 – 131.24. Afterwards, Alex really couldn’t be bothered, resuming his aforementioned “self care.” Wanting to get in on that kind of joy himself, ole Skeletor dug deep and came up with this gem:
Buzzystinger shocked the league by earning his first victory last week. Then again, that was against bottom-dweller, ZaWood. Surely he wouldn’t do the same to Urban Achievers this week, right?! Well…yeah…right, I guess. Redman came away with the victory, 99.46 – 95.54, but while I’m sure he’s thrilled with the W, I also assume that was a little closer than he’d have liked.
And finally, after stumbling last week, The Analrapists got back to their winning ways, beating ZaWood’s meat, 121.62 – 84.74. Despite the low season-long Points For from Ted, he finds himself in the mix at 3-1; as for Zach, he booked himself a meditative trip to Phallus Head in an attempt to get his mind right and save this season from being over by the first week of October.
Best of luck in Week Five, fellas!
Andy
p.s. Pay attention this week. Not only do we have an early game, but it’s also The Return of the Dreaded Bye Week.
The Terrible Ten 