The year was 2021.
Fresh off back-to-back losses in the first two Terrible Ten championships, I (laughably) hoped the third time would be the charm for my squad. A month into the 2021 season I went looking for vets to add some depth to my squad. Lo and behold, I swung a deal with Packer Hater, landing Miles Sanders and Deandre Hopkins for a pile for future picks. That pushed me over the top, right?!
Instead, Nuk broke a four-year top-five WR streak, finishing as WR43; Miles Sanders went from a solid RB2/3 to RB45; I finished 3rd in the Terrible Ten playoffs; and I cursed every Farr generation from the beginning to the end of time.
I swore I’d never trade with that wily bastard again. Yet here we are, Week One of the 2024 season, and The Analrapists just knocked my dick in the dirt, 116.88 – 108.44. What does that have to do with Packer Hater? Well, this offseason he sold me Mark Andrews (2.4 points) and Jared Goff (11.38 points) for another stack of picks, including the likely 1.01 in 2025. Fuck my motherfucking liiiiiiiife!
Oh well, at least I scored some decent points. If I was as bad as Science Walrus, who damn near got doubled up by reigning champ, Evil Empire (70.20 – 132.74), I might just throw myself in the ocean and let the killer whales have me. As for Scotty, it’s the same-old same-old ho-hum for him: the first of many wins on his way to a title defense.
As bad as Brent looked, ZaWood was somehow even worse. Despite trading for two viable QBs in Burrow and Lawrence, AND drafting high-end talent like Bijan and Laporta in last year’s draft, AND doing the same in this year’s draft, ole Limpy *still* lost to the Urban Achievers, 69.14 – 112.24. So deflating after all that preseason build-up.
In a battle of former Terrible Ten champs, Packer Hater drained Growler Prowler, 140.12 – 95.66. After starting strong with solid performances in the opening KC vs BAL game, Scott’s other players fell flat *and* got bitten by the injury bug (most notably, Puka Nacua’s knee injury that has him going to IR). Alex, on the other hand, is in midseason form, and his Kupp play will continue to get a boost while Nacua heals. Yup, everything’s just coming up roses for my good friend, Alex.
And last, Puff’s Punishers came out guns a’blazing, trampling league punching bag Buzzystinger, 140.50 – 85.34, on his way to a first-round playoff exit. As for Buzzy, he’s dangerously close to having no starting quarterback with JJ McCarthy already out for the year and Danny Dimes a week-to-week call for the starting job. That, coupled with less than 20 total points spread across the 16 players on his bench, has the league chanting:
Best of luck in Week Two, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 