Hey, guys. Commish here. I zonked out early last night, woke up this morning, and what did I see? A newsletter from none other than Urban Achievers! While I’ve been in the fetal position since getting dumped in Round One, someone is still very much in midseason form. Enjoy Red’s post-playoff look at the league (with emojis!).
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Can someone beat this fucker? Well, someone other than me of course. Down year for Mahomes and JT and he still wins!?! Not much you can say other than Scott appears to be unstoppable. J/K! His team is aging and he’s on the precipice of collapse. All those star players and I wouldn’t offer a used puck bag for most of em. None of you should either. Please don’t. Let his team fade to obscurity. It’s the only way. Is this collusion? What day is it? I taste metal. Gdhjkbfssaduomncdjkkbvmk……
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Pearce went all in and it looked like he would finally reach the hallowed halls of champions. They really are quite hallowed but most of you wouldn’t understand their hallowedness and some of you (cough, cough Andy) never will. Puffy is now set up to continue making runs for years to come. J/K. His team is old. His bench is barren. Deebo and Saquan got hurt reading this and Kelce will be a dutiful housewife by this time next year if he has any brain cells that haven’t been turned to mush by repeated hits to the head. Josh will need to rely on his draft capital lmao.
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Alex has turned himself into a perennial powerhouse. Never afraid to make moves to position his squad for a run. We should all pay attention and watch out for the former champ* J/motherfuckinK! He killed Diggs’ and Kupp’s careers. Najee is blind as a bat. Rodgers will probably snap his spine trying to play on ketamine next year. Alex owes his trophy to Demar Hamlin. A once great champion, now a study in moppishness. (Hopefully at least Andy gets that reference)
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I am and will always be a dominant force that can only be beaten by injuries or voodoo. Every piece of my squad has been carefully curated to culminate in the perfect team. J/K ♾️! I can’t get out of my own way when I become obsessed with owning can’t miss all pros such as: Treylon Burks, Quentin Johnston, Rashad Bateman, and, lest we forget, 1st round pick Skyy Moore. I’m convinced I simply got lucky when I won and will continue to falter, blaming everyone else because I know it definitely won’t be my fault.
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I’m gonna be honest. I’m afraid of the Stroud/Nico stack and all the other good players/picks I’ve given Andy. Won’t be long now and we’ll all be scared. I’ll be honest about another thing too, I’m a bad liar so a nice J to tha K seems to be in order. I’m not scared and neither are any of you. Well, Andy maybe because he knows he’s trash and a doormat. A village bicycle to be used and discarded on the street corner from whence it came. He robbed Byron of perfection for Christ sake. How very, very embarrassing.
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Scott of house P looked like the team to beat this year. Savvy trades. Red hot heading into the playoffs. I for one was shocked he lost. So much so that I did the math to point out he would’ve won it all if only Devonta Smith had one less catch (sorry, not sorry). Two stud mobile qbs and a couple of rookie wr steals have the inaugural champ* poised for the future. Not to mention everybody’s favorite player, Jay Kay. Fields is gonna be replaced. Russ might be cooking on the line at country kitchen which should help build team chemistry when Keenan Allen and King Henry show up for the early bird special before racing home to fall asleep watching Matlock!
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Ted always proves me wrong when I drag his team. He’s not afraid to make a trade to upgrade his squad and then of course there’s JJ. Maybe I finally need to give him his due, admit he’s got some juice and say something good about his team. J/K. What can I say about the Analrapists that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? Should be especially fun for Ted next time a blade of grass hits Tua in the helmet and he has to retire on the spot.
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Zach. He of the plethora of picks to go with the monster draft he just had. He seems to finally be ready to make a leap forward, if only it weren’t for that pesky J/K that is. Felt like he could’ve taken the leap this year with his stockpiled capital but alas, without balls, a jutting erection can take you only so far.
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The science seal, as iOS has forced me into, had a tumultuous season. Selling off Tee for pennies on the dollar seems to have positioned him a bounce back. Juice at every position, especially the ever important J/K. Running back is a position last I checked and instead of juice, Brent appears to have tap water from Flint, Michigan. Even if he is in fact positioned for a bounce back, it only means he’ll be back to getting bounced in round 1.
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I’m not sure there’s many positive things I can say about ‘ol Buzz Killington but I’ll try. Jaaaaayyyy Kaaaayyyyyyyyyyy! This is an absolute dumpster fire that only a true shitbag could lose to this season (Got em again. Yes! Gfy Andy) It should be interesting and fun watching Byron try to make a contender out of the ashes. The 1.01 should go a long way toward a rebuilding effort so I hope he gets someone good at that spot.
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And there you have it, fellas! Doesn’t get any better than that, so I won’t even try. Enjoy the off-season!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 