The Terrible Ten

Roughly three months have passed since the start of the 2023 fantasy football season, which will henceforth be referred to as The Year of the Cat. For you Minnesota people, this is in no way a reference to The Common Man and his yearly desire to see the roar restored for his Detroit Lions. No, I’m thinking more in terms of the old Looney Tunes cat, running a gauntlet of obstacles in the hope of glory, only to get his ass whooped time and time again.

In what has been a common refrain this season, we saw a bunch of big-name players go down in Week Fourteen, many of which completely altered the landscape of The Terrible Ten, both in Week Fourteen and for the upcoming playoffs.

Most of our playoff berths had already been locked up coming into the week, so a matchup like Puff’s Punishers versus Growler Prowler didn’t have much drama. The key takeaway for each team? For Puffy, he picked up an injury to Tyreek Hill. While Hill returned to the game this past week, he missed a fair amount of time and is now listed as day-to-day. With luck, all will be well for Hill after The Punishers’ upcoming bye. For Growler Prowler, the former champ won his sixth matchup in a row, 156.76 – 130.44, and is the hottest active team in the league going into the first week of the playoffs (Other Scott is hotter, but he’s cooling his jets on a bye). Congrats, Mr P., on saving your 3-5 season and making a run. Prost!

Speaking of Other Scott, he finished the season on a ten-game winning streak after flaying Science Walrus, 110.68 – 92.30. Not much newsworthy here, other than that Davante Adams is dinged up for Evil Empire’s (co)title defense. Everything else we already knew — The Empire rules our universe this season, and Brent, well, I mean, well…..the guys and I say this with all kindness and sincerity, buddy:

Perhaps the most meaningless game of the week was Packer Hater’s 122.56 – 103.04 win over Buzzystinger. Alex was already positioned to make a run for a full title this season, while Buzzy was already in fantasy hell — last place team, no 1.01 to start anew, not many young assets to build around, no hope for the future, just flitting aimlessly about the offseason with no destination, no light at the end of the tunnel, no real reason to live in this fantasy world, dreaming of an end to the pain…

Which brings us to the fight for the sixth seed in the playoffs. Against all odds, my QB Farm Team found itself in a win-and-in game against ZaWood. Now, Zach was the lesser team record-wise, but I felt off all week. Too many jokes at Zach’s expense over a period of years had me feeling like the Fantasy Gods might try to even the scales. As such, it wasn’t much of a surprise when Nico Collins went down right away, and CJ Stroud was concussed later in the same game, and Brandin Cooks fell off the face of the earth in a game where DAL scored 33 points. All of which may have been moot anyway, as Zach got up for the match and came hard in a 119.66 – 109.56 victory, hammering away at my dreams of a playoff run. And wouldn’t you know it, the Woodster doesn’t hammer people like a normal opponent would.

Which meant The Analrapist could bend me over and poke me from behind before leapfrogging my folded-up carcass if he could just get a win over Urban Achievers. And hey, it was looking like a possibility with Justin Jefferson getting back in the lineup after a lengthy layoff. But then JJ took a shot in the chest and missed most of the game. And Jacobs got dinged. And Tua played awful on MNF. And it all added up to a sad little whimper for The Analrapist as Urban Achievers climaxed, 111.12 – 79.60, ending Ted’s season with his fifth loss in a row.

All of which leaves me…

…because now I owe Urban Achievers my playoff life instead of getting the job done myself.

*sigh*

Ok, let’s get this over with, Red.

But wait, the newsletter continues! The season is no longer over for Buzzy, Walrus, ZaWood, and Choked Away the Sixth Spot. Remember this vote in the offseason?

That’s right, you turds! You have a chance to add $15 to your 2024 FAAB (and short your opponents $5 each) by winning the Toilet Bowl, which starts this week with Brent vs Zach and Ted vs Bryon.

Also, a reminder that we’re now dealing with Saturday games. Set your lineups accordingly.

Best of luck in Round One, fellas!

Andy

p.s. Redman let me in the playoffs; I play him in round one. Pleaseohpleaseohplease let me win, oh Fantasy Gods. Please?