The year was 1998.
As far as years go, it was a good one for me. I was starting my senior year of college at University of Wisconsin — Stevens Point (a town whose claim to fame, other than delicious Point Beer, is NBA star [?] Terry Porter). I was on the cusp of graduating with a newfangled Computer Information Systems degree. I was also a year away from meeting my c-word ex-wife, so hadn’t started that roller coaster yet. Yup, life was pretty swell in 1998.
Oh yeah, and the Vikings were good. VERY good.
Someday I’ll regale you with the night of my 22nd birthday, watching Randy Moss’ coming-out party against the Packers on MNF, being an obnoxious drunken fool in a bar full of Packer fans…but for now, we’re gonna talk about a different game from that season, a game that is the biggest blowout I can recall watching.
That day, the Vikings were playing the Jacksonville Jaguars, and it was an absolute slaughter. Prior to writing this I wanted to say the final score was 50-3, but a quick check of the official stats showed JAX scoring a late garbage-time TD, making the final score 50-10. Just complete domination from start to finish.
Yet as impressive as that game (and, for the most part, that whole season) was, it pales in comparison to what the Dolphins just did to the Broncos this past week.
700+ yards of total offense.
Nearly 300 yards on the ground between Mostert and Achane (oh, and 5 touchdowns too).
Almost 100 yards and another 3 touchdowns with receptions from Mostert and Achane.
150+ yards and a touchdown for The Cheetah.
All that and more led to a 70-20 game for the ages. Honest to god, it was like running with Bo Jackson in Tecmo: unstoppable.
One would think massive offensive output like that would make for an easy day for some GM’s in the league, and that was true in some cases. Packer Hater needed his A-game to beat up-and-cummer ZaWood, so 41.70 from Mostert was exactly what the co-champ needed on his way to a 155.24 – 124.26 victory. As for Zach, it looked like he’d built a solid foundation entering the season, but it appears this Wood is already deflating.
The Analrapist benefited from Tua’s 28.36 points (highest scorer on his team)…but that got canceled out by Puff’s Punishers’ 26.20 from Tyreek Hill (highest scorer on his team). In the end, Ted missed the target too many times, giving the Punishers a 144.16 – 112.40 win in this shootout. In celebration, Pearce had Ted assume the position and shot from both guns at once.
It could have been a woe-is-me moment for Redman — having benched Achane and his massive 49.30 breakout game — but the Urban Achievers took care of business anyway, shotgunning Growler Prowler, 125.16 – 112.82. The victory got Red a tally in the win column and moved him into the morass of teams at 1-2, after which he unceremoniously showed a drunken Prowler the door…
You know who didn’t need any Dolphins to get the job done? The Evil Empire, that’s who! Scotty put up a massive 121.94 points, thanks mainly to Davante Adams and Patrick Mahomes. Hell, those two alone just about outscored the lowly Buzzystinger, who barely crawled into the 60’s. But hey, at least no one’s health and livelihood were crushed by Bryon this week. Improvement!
And last, we come to Science Walrus. I took some time to dwell on Brent’s plight all these years, wondering how a team full of talent can’t seem to get the job done. But then your humble commish realized that while QB Farm Team is kind of a funny jab at myself, a more accurate team name would be Science Walrus Farm Team. Over the years he’s taken such players as CMC, Zeke, RoJo, Pollard, and Allen from me (none of whom are there anymore). He’s still sitting on Lawrence, Fields, Gainwell, Kirk, and Moore, bringing him to about 20% of his active roster coming from me. If I couldn’t win with that dreck, is it any wonder he lost to me yet again this week, 104.62 – 116.44?! I mean, come on, man! Stop acting like you can take 2nd Place talent and make it a winner. It’s time to do the opposite. If I zig, you gotta zag. If I go high, you gotta go low. If I eat an apple, you gotta go with an orange. If I drink a Coke, you gotta go with a Pepsi. If…
Best of luck in Week Four, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 