Hey, guys. Andy here. I guess this is when I should be energetically welcoming you back for our fifth (!!) season of The Terrible Ten, and talking about how excited I am to play this fun-filled fantasy football game with you, and revving everyone up for an excellent time spent together watching a sport we love. But, while this was Week One and should have been a fresh start to a new season, I can’t help but feel like we’re ten weeks in and needing a bye.
I mean, not a single minute of real football had been played and stars like Travis Kelce, Jonathan Taylor, and Cooper Kupp were already sidelined.
Then the games started…
Tee Higgins went 0 for 8 with 0 yards.
Dallas Goedert had one target.
D’andre Swift had one carry.
Tyjae Spears was on the field for more plays than Derrick Henry, including all — ALL — third-down plays.
Allgeier got more run than Bijan in ATL.
Drake London had one target…
…we also got some season(career?)-ending injuries from players like J.K. Dobbins and Aaron Rodgers.
Yet year after year, in ideal conditions or garbage like this weekend’s opener, Puff’s Punishers just keeps on trucking. The best regular-season team in this league’s history opened with a complete beatdown of my beloved QB Farm Team, 140.66 – 90.88. I left some major points on my bench (Aiyuk — 28.90), but it wouldn’t have mattered: I folded up like a cheap tent, and Pearce blew me away.
Last season we had an unprecedented Super Bowl, leaving us with co-champions for the 2022 season. How did Packer Hater and Evil Empire fare in their attempt to win it all again (hopefully independently of one another)?
Puff’s Punishers might be the team to beat in the regular season, but Evil Empire is hands-down the top playoff team in our league’s history. Appearing in the past three (!!) Super Bowls — winning two (one-and-a-half?) of them — is impressive stuff, to say the least. As such, it comes as no surprise that Osterloh is once again on his way to staking his claim on the trophy. Even better, he did it to Urban Achievers, the team everyone loves to hate. You know, the league villain. The loudmouth. The big fat meanie. The guy who benched Breece for Burks. The guy we all want to take down. The guy who lucked into a trophy. Yeah, that guy. Suck it, Red!
While Osterloh’s victory was impressive, Packer Hater’s win was less so. Sure, he got the win, and ultimately that’s all that matters. But sneaking by cellar-dweller Growler Prowler, who scored a league low 74.94 points this week, isn’t gonna strike fear in anybody. Well, ok, his 91.56 would have beat my 90.88, so mayyyyybe…
You know who had no fear? The Analrapists, that’s who. Science Walrus once again entered the regular season with a stacked lineup, and once again he couldn’t get it done, losing to Ted 82.58 – 114.06. Part of it was that Brent got hit with zeroes from both Higgins and Goedert. Mostly though, it’s just because…
And last, we come to ZaWood. It’s been a rough road for the Woodster in recent years. A real pain in the main vein. Some would say he’s been given the shaft; I’d say it’s just been one boner move after another.
But this is a new year.
For the first time since Week 13 in 2021, Zach is above .500, baby! It wasn’t a resounding victory, having jusssssst edged Buzzystinger 78.96 – 75.26, but who cares?! He added some studs in the draft, is sitting on a shit-ton of future picks, and for one week anyway, he’s tied for first place. Whoop it up, my friend, and enjoy!
Best of luck in Week Two, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 