Well, well, well…just as boredom was about set in after all that draft excitement, along comes Redman with his annual review of The Terrible Ten! And so, without further ado, I turn it over to Cody for his objective, factual, unbiased look at the league. Take it away, sir:
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The Season of Optimism
Now that we’ve completed the draft, it feels like a good time to take a look at what might be. Possibly. Definitely maybe.
1. Science Walrus
No stranger to the top spot, or 1st round exits, the nerdy ocean fat fuck has a roster flush with talent yet again. Last year it didn’t work out so he determined that the issue was having too many good running backs and sent most of them packing in an effort to build a team that will surely not disappear in Week 15. A revamped QB room with insane upside and a bevy of uber-talented pass catchers make this a team to fear (in the regular season).
2. Evil Empire
Year over year we live under the boot of the Evil Empire, always hoping to find a weakness to exploit to bring its downfall. Despite the constant target on his back, Scotty two-chips* continues to add building blocks to his fortress. Ekeler could be a borderline unfair addition to an already championship-level juggernaut. WR is an area of concern but the pieces are there to address needs that may arise. You can’t rule out that Kamara and Mixon are members of the resistance as they seem to be doing their part to show that this is less an evil fortress and more a house of cards ready to crumble. Is this the year we sack the city and plunder its assets? I hope so. Getting tired of this shit.
3. Urban Achievers
My team is good. You know it. Your mom knows it. I definitely know it. Dominant at every position. I have been working all off-season to not only add to and improve my roster but also to add as many excuses as are necessary to justify why I’ll lose. I can’t make decisions. I think too far ahead. I deserve everything I get. Arthur Smith can go fuck himself. Running back injuries can eat shit. I drafted a mayonnaise-drinking psychopath. See you in the playoffs.
4. Packerh8r84
Alex wheeling and dealing his way to a chip* last year was truly remarkable. With plenty of young talent there’s no reason he can’t be in the mix to stay on top. Gonna need something out of Lance finally and if he gets it, look out. Color me skeptical that Jimmy GQ and Goff can carry him to the promised land again. The addition of Najee should help to make sure this team is, if nothing else, exceedingly more inefficient. He’s a bum. You’re a bum. You got lucky. Savor the flavor.
5. ZaWood
Zach is on the up, no doubt. Bijan got a dream landing spot and just when it looked like Swift got torpedoed, he gets traded to probably the best spot possible. If Watson can stop jerking off on girls long enough to round back into form, othis team could be tough. Could use another QB and some pass catchers. Quentin Johnston sucks and should be traded to me immediately. If it doesn’t work out this year, Zach should have no trouble adding the missing pieces with his 4,678 upcoming draft picks. With all the talent already in place and the capital to make any moves he wants, I’d say we should all be terrified if it weren’t for history telling us he’s awful and will likely remain awful in perpetuity.
6. Puff’s Punishers
Pearce has been a mainstay at the top of the standings since our league’s inception. High-end players putting up high-end scores leading to high-end seeds. All this hasn’t amounted to jack shit, however, and his lack of involvement has him in a spot with very little youth and almost certainly delusion about what value his decrepit players can bring him when he’s finally ready to trade them. They’re not dead yet and perhaps the strategy of sucking every point out of them until they resemble an empty Capri Sun is the correct one. Hurts is a stud on a sinking ship and its captain is MIA. Be interesting to see how he does this year as a 1 seed again somehow.
7. QB Farm Team
Oh lord, where to start? I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Andy stumbled across a witch in the woods and she cursed him to have to turn over a certain percentage of his roster every year or she’ll turn him into a toad. He hasn’t closed the ktc window on his phone in years and nobody believes in ktc values more staunchly. Somehow, despite the curse, he seems to have assembled a motley crew of dreamers that has potential to make some waves. He could play spoiler all the way to the finals (where he will no doubt lose) or he could be god-awful, as is his lot in life. Currently with 10(!) former Achievers on his squad, at least he values the cast-offs of one of the greatest fantasy minds of our generation, so he’s doing something right.
8. Growler Prowler
Inaugural Scott has been through it since his championship*. He has caused the death of a young QB as well as a woman and a dog. He incarcerated a player involved. I can’t decide if trading with Scott saves the player you get or if you’re buying tainted goods. I know he owns a monkey paw or some shit. Lot of young darts that could turn things around at any time. I’m sure Lamar running less will help.
9. The Analrapists
JJ is an absolute force and that can’t be denied. The only logical move as an owner of the best wide receiver is to trade your other best player for the WR2 on the same team. It worked when Thielen was in MN, so who am I to judge? RB could be an issue and QB remains a major hurdle to overcome despite the fact that there are 9(!) on Ted’s roster currently. It’s scientifically proven that Ted thrives when he’s over-looked in these very serious and reliable rankings every year. I’m either doing my part to help that continue or I’m manifesting a collapse since I own his 24 1st.
10. Buzzystinger
Speaking of manifesting collapses due to picks owned, Byron is our caboose this year. Like Ted, he seems to outpace my projections but I don’t care. He stonewalled me into getting fleeced for King Henry, so he can go fuck himself. Henry remains and with Chubb in tow as well they could continue to be formidable. A-Aron has emerged from the darkness on a new team, so we’ll see if he’s got anything left in him other than the healing crystals in his ass, of course. Diggs is him. F1 is good. The rest of these WRs should be on the waiver wire.
Thanks for reading my dumb words. Don’t like where you ranked? Tough shit. Come prove it on the fake field. I’m so excited for another season of ups and downs. Sleepers and busts. Trades and shit-talking. The highest of highs of winning a championship (sorry Andy), and the lowest of lows of a good team losing unexpectedly (sorry Brent). Lots of time between now and Week One to get fleeced or do some fleecing, so get to work!
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Assuming you’re not Pearce (who will never see this), that’s gotta get you fired up for the season! Waivers start in less than two weeks, and still lots of time to concoct a four-way trade. As Redman said, let’s get to work!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 