It’s exceedingly rare for me to be philosophical, but I did a little reflecting this week and came to a very important conclusion: losing sucks. Even in a year when I made the tough call to hit the reset button on my team — knowing I’d be shit for the rest of the season — I still hate it every single week. Even worse is the cockteasing my stupid team is doing. I think I’d feel better if I was just getting blown out, but noooooooo. Last week I lost by less than a point to Evil Empire; this week I lost by a few points to Science Walrus, 104.54 – 99.82. So glad there’s only one more week of this left. Not sure I can take much more.
But enough of my losing ways. Let’s get to some games that matter, shall we?
This week’s matchup between Evil Empire and Buzzystinger had numerous playoff implications. Scott has been working hard to maintain his spot toward the top of the league, hoping for a first-round bye; Bryon’s been scrambling to stay one step ahead of the playoff bubble. In a high-scoring matchup with not many misses by either squad, it ultimately came down to poor play from Chubb and Henry — Buzzy’s lead RBs — that lead to Evil Empire’s 128.52 – 109.24 victory. That, and wasn’t no damned bee gonna topple this Empire.
It was a similar situation between Puff’s Punishers and Packer Hater this week: the former trying to maintain his position atop the standings, the latter jockeying for position in the upcoming playoffs. Also like the aforementioned matchup, Josh and Alex put up huge scores, the only letdown being Kenneth Walker getting injured early in his game. Unfortunately, that one misstep was all it took, giving the victory to Puff’s Punishers, 132.82 – 122.12. The win secures one of the two byes for Josh, regardless of what happens this final week (unless Science Walrus can score a few hundred points, anyway). Based on Josh’s run through the regular season it seems like the playoff participants should be begging for mercy. Unfortunately, “mercy” isn’t in The Punisher’s vocabulary.
The game with the most playoff implications pitted Urban Achievers against The Analrapist. Coming into the week as the 6 and 7 seeds, respectively, a win was of the utmost importance to both teams. In the end, Redman used up every ounce of reverse psychology by talking up the rivalry, particularly how Ekeler has owned Urban Achievers across the history of our league, and unlike my feeble attempts, IT WORKED! Redman dominated The Analrapist, 125.48 – 85.24, punching his ticket to the playoffs while sending Ted to the Toilet Bowl (I mean, I guess it’s still possible for Ted to get in, but not really). Wanting to strike while the iron is hot, Redman decided on a new career path after his victory.
And last, I’d like to take a moment to slap Zach on the back. It’s been a long, brutal season, my friend, and I think I speak for everyone not named Growler Prowler (and maybe Redman, who now has a worse draft pick) when I offer up a hearty “Congratulations!” for ending your winless streak, 91.74 – 53.84. It was a long time cumming, and it’s my understanding you’re starting the week on the Injury Report with a nasty concussion, but I assume it was fun to login to the computer and check your score for once.
And that’s that. We have one more week to go, but it appears Ted, Scott P, Zach, and I are on the outside looking in, and with the exception of Brent trying to sneak past Scott O. for a bye, the rest of you are in for a fairly quiet Week Fourteen. So kick up your feet, imbibe your favorite cold beverage, shovel in your favorite game-day food, and enjoy a week of mostly tension-free football.
Best of luck in Week Fourteen, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 