I’m pretty sure the year was 2006 (Redman or Pearce can let me know if I’m wrong). I was a young lad of only 30 back then, and had never played fantasy football. That season my brother talked me into joining a new league he’d created. I had no idea what I was doing (most people would say nothing’s changed in that department), but man did I have fun. As a certified football junkie, the idea of drafting and managing my own team was like nothing I’d ever experienced. Shit-talking with a bunch of friends made it even more fun. In short, I couldn’t get enough.
Fast forward to 2022. Week Five is over, and I damn near got doubled up by Packer Hater, 163.82 – 88.74. I came into the season feeling ok, which has quickly fallen by the wayside. Meanwhile, Alex put up the 7th highest score in league history and the sky is the limit for him. I wish I could feel joy like Packer Hater is experiencing. I wish I could have bottled that love I felt for this game all those years ago. Instead, I feel like The Kid from Shawshank.
Another team questioning his love of this game is The Analrapist. What looked to be a healthy lead going into MNF quickly evaporated as Science Walrus rode Josh Jacobs and Derek Carr to victory by the narrowest of margins, 103.80 – 102.56. Ted has a lot to lament with this loss. First, it kept him from continuing to rise up the standings. Second, and much worse, he lost a side wager with Brent. Rather than getting to have his way with The Walrus’ blubbery backside, he instead got to polish Brent’s massive tusk. The horror.
Ahhh, The Battle of the Scotts. Two guys with the same name. Two former Terrible Ten champions. It doesn’t get much better than these matchups…until this week, anyway. Osterloh had some unfortunate injuries to both Nyheim Hines and Darren Waller, losing both players early in their respective games with only 1.3 points between them. A death knell if ever I saw one. But, if anyone in this league could find a way to lose that gimme, it would be Palmquist. While Weeks Three and Four saw him win his first games in ages, this past week’s effort was a return to form, losing 97.16 – 78.66. To say Palmquist was shell-shocked by the loss would be an understatement.
Another week, another dominant performance by Puff’s Punishers. Josh’s team is an offensive powerhouse at the moment, and his stars are clicking on all cylinders. He’ll be a tough squad to beat if studs like Hurts, Barkley, Cook, and Kelce continue to rip it up.
Another week, another horseshit performance by Urban Achievers. Redman’s team is an utter embarrassment at the moment, and his “stars” are faltering every step of the way. He’ll be an easy squad to beat if duds like Chase, Harris, Brown, and Pitts continue to stink it up.
And last, we come to ZaWood. At this point I can’t even joke and write “we cum to ZaWood,” because cumming implies he’s played hard this season, which would be a complete phallusy. Buzzystinger, on the other hand, was ready to roll, pricking Zach 129.92 – 83.64 to send the Woodster to 0-5 on the season. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Zach, but I think it’s time to face the facts.
Best of luck in Week Six, fellas!
Andy
p.s. I’ve seen some weird memes and gifs over the years. It’s bound to happen. In one league, there was a team that had something to do with midgets (and maybe nude ones at that?). Ohh, the things that are seared in my brain from that season. Phew. Anyway, tonight I was looking up penis stuff (for the newsletter, of course, being I would never just, you know, go search for that stuff on my own) and I came across this ready-made meme. Figured I’d share it here. It matches my sentiments after getting crushed this week, so it worked out well.
I take it all back: I love this game.
The Terrible Ten 