The Terrible Ten

Mr. Redman sent me a surprise essay this evening, which I present to you here in all its brilliance. Enjoy!

*****

Being that Sleeper has added power rankings we must adapt. Here begins a new chapter wherein good players on our teams are praised and others we may believe in are exposed for the worthless frauds they are. Think of it as a power ranking of current season with an eye on long term outlook. Let’s enter the mirror dimension shall we?

Power Rankings 2.0 : A long, hard look

1. Walrus:

The top spot is reserved for he who thrives in it and if it ain’t broke I ain’t gonna fix it. The king of the hamstring has started off a bit slow but there is reason for optimism. Waddle, Metcalf, and Goedert (and Williams?) form a nice core. Dillon looked good and CMC as of this writing is not on the injury report. With a plethora of future capital, this squad is poised to remain a playoff contender while simultaneously not really scaring any of us.

2. The Achievers:

If I wasn’t afraid of the top spot curse, I would’ve put my team there. We all know why. I am an unstoppable rebel force from which there is no escape and likely have the greatest dynasty team ever assembled. I am also handsome, extremely humble, and in no way delusional.

3. Pearce:

While I may love to hate on Pearce, the truth of the matter that, like it or not, we all must admit is that he is garbage and so is his team. All his starters look to be good yet again with the caveat that Stafford’s elbow might crumble to dust soon. The only thing stopping Josh this year would be if he has to rely on literally anyone on his bench. Castoffs, backups, and busts oh my!

4. Packerbacker:

Hey I have an idea. Let’s force Alex to take a bunch of good players off our hands this off-season. Brilliant! Guy’s out there just trying to live his life while we can’t wait to fleece him with our top 10 players. Lance needs to pan out cause you absolutely can’t go with Goff. Lots of good young players to develop too. Not Akers though, he’s definitely washed and Watson might have you doing what he does best soon, hitting that drop.

5. Empire:

Mahomes, JT, Mixon, and Adams feels like a juggernaut. That is of course until the rest of the team comes into play. It’s Henderson’s job to lose and Julio might turn back the clock. Albert O could be sneaky af. The savvy, former champion shouldn’t be overlooked but if ever there was a team and a time to go all in its this team. This time.

*Unrelated but if you’re looking to go all in I’m currently in the market for players, picks, arms, and legs.

6. Monge:

As I watched Andy make moves this off-season I only had one thought: Who has his 23 first and how can I acquire it? Sadly, the master of trades ultimately put together a roster with some upside. If everything goes perfectly he’ll finish runner up again. Sneaky little wr room led by Pittman who is gonna be a beast. Trevor needs to take the next step because if he doesn’t he’ll have four trash qbs. Quite the accomplishment for the former owner of Josh Allen, Kyler Murray, and Joe Burrow. CEH peaked week 1 and James Robinson is a cunt. Couple of aging stars longing for days of yore. Is one more year in the cards for MT and DHop? At least Andy is flush with draft capital. I hate Gabe Davis with the fire of a thousand suns and I refuse to change that stance even as security escorts me away from his HOF speech.

7. Rosie Palmquist:

Impressive off-season work for last years’ doormat. Like Lane Meyer, he’s a once great champion, now, a study in mopishness. With qb woes in the forefront due to trading what became Ja’Marr Chase for a qb who is tragically no longer with us, he managed to pair Kyler with LJax. Added some serious potential at wr despite one of his studs being in prison for vehicular homicide. Using lower draft capital for a quantity over quality approach may not be a bad strategy as he landed some pretty good rbs albeit one got shot. Ok hold up. Which one of you has a voodoo doll for Scott’s team?

8. Ted:

Ted thrives on being ranked low so I’m putting him here cause I’m good like that. I never give him credit and he stays playoff bound regardless. I’m not gonna give him credit now either. The ol ass rapist has the kind of roster that would be good in a scramble. A complementary roster. Jefferson is elite in every sense and is probably going to break Kupp’s records from last year. Ekeler is an absolute stud. The rest of his roster is full of, I don’t know, scrappy players? The kind of guys you’re projecting how much you’re gonna outscore on Sunday morning only to watch the Sunday night game through your tears after you get blown out by them.

9. Wooderson:

I should clarify that when I said the ol ass rapist above I was taking about Ted. A play on words relating to his team name. I’m saying this just in case you mistakenly thought I was talking about Zach’s qb room. With Watson out for 11 (????) games he’ll try to cobble something together and hope Kirky tiers up. Swift is great but the rb room is thin and getting thinner. Tons of wr talent and youth. Excited to see what Russ can do for Sutton. Despite all the talent, the quarterback position is a mess. Andy weathered this kind of storm last year so who knows?

10. Buzzy:

I have his pick so I’m manifesting this. Having Rodgers and Brady as your qbs this year is tough. Will it be like seeing The Rolling Stones in 2022 or more like when you see Motley Crue at treasure island resort and caSiNO? I’m sure Aaron and Tom would be more interested in a kid rock concert though. If the Steelers can beat the Bengals with Troubs, they might not have a need to rush this years’ rookie draft 1.04. Diggs is a dawg and will continue to be elite. F1 and Hunt are super solid. Lot of weight this season will be on king Henry’s metal plate in his foot. I’m sure it’ll be fine. I mean, he’s a running back. How much could he really need his feet? If depth is needed there are plenty of guys on this squad that would look at home on the waiver wire.

That’ll about do it for this edition. Since I’m the fantasy football version of George R. R. Martin, it’s anyones guess when the next one will come out if ever so I hope you enjoyed.

From the bottom of this champion’s heart,

Go Fuck Yourselves