Has it really been eight months since I’ve been out here writing about The Terrible Ten?! Part of me feels like that time *flew* by, while the other part of me wishes the break had been longer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy football is back on the boob tube. What gets my goat is that Redman is still the champ, which means the chatter is only gonna get louder and louder if his squad continues rolling.
Going into Week One, we had a few questions on the table: were championship teams like Urban Achievers and Evil Empire going to pick up where they left off? Did rebuilds like Packer Hater and Growler Prowler make the right decisions in the off-season so they could be competitive again? Most importantly, could your beloved commish get back to reaching for the stars and falling just short?
If the past three years have taught you anything, it’s that I have no shame. Check out these stupendous individual scores from my team’s Week Out output:
Davis Mills — 15.50 points
CEH — 20.90 points
James Robinson — 19.40 points
Kenneth Gainwell — 10.20 points
Michael Thomas — 20.20 points
DJ Chark — 13.20 points
Gabe “HOF” Davis — 16.80 points
The problem? Well, there were multiple, actually. First, those guys were on my bench. Second, I traded away three sure-fire QB1s in the past year, and let’s just say the tandem of Trevor Lawrence and Mac Jones leaves a lot to be desired. Last, The Analrapists deployed Justin Jefferson on my sorry ass, whose 34.90 points went a long way toward bending me over, 107.46 – 104.12, and then leaving me in the dust.
Next up, Science Walrus was pretty active this offseason, trading away Josh Allen and Nick Chubb while receiving the likes of Christian Kirk, Jaylen Waddle, and a ton of future picks. Unfortunately, Brent caught a case of Monge-itis, leaving Kirk’s 14.70 and Waddle’s 15.70 on the bench. These and other miscues left the door open for perennial tough-guy team Puff’s Punishers to beat the Walrus senseless, 133.02 – 93.20. The horror…the horror.
Another active participant this offseason was Growler Prowler, adding Kyler Murray, Miles Sanders, and Diontae Johnson, as well as a batch of picks. Unfortunately, he also added the cancer that is Terrace Marshall, thereby negating any and all goodwill he earned with the fantasy gods for his other shrewd moves. Buzzystinger took advantage of Scott’s bad luck on his way to a 109.38 – 85.34 honey of a victory. I’d tell Growler Prowler to keep his chin up, but it’ll be tough to do until he rids himself of that albatross on his bench.
If there were any questions as to whether or not Evil Empire was still licking his wounds post-Super Bowl loss, he put them to bed in a 126.06 – 94.36 beatdown of ZaWood. Speaking of the Woodster, Zach’s QB depth was in question going into the season, especially after news of yet another suspension for pervert Deshaun Watson, but multiple injuries in Week One (Mitchell, Allen, and Higgins) now leave him impotent at other spots as well. Oh, for shame!
And last, when our season wrapped up in 2021 no one would have guessed that Week One’s best matchup would involve Packer Hater. Alex’s team was abysmal last year, much worse than his record alluded to. But after an offseason that yielded Josh Allen, Leonard Fournette, Cooper Kupp, Mike Williams, and a slew of rookies, Alex looked poised to move from worst to first. He was well on his way after TNF, when Allen and Kupp gave him a huge lead. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, his opponent — last year’s champ, Urban Achievers — was nervous:
In the end, Redman’s squad did just enough to eek past Alex, 124.98 – 123.34. So, yet again, the week is all about Urban Achievers. Can’t say I blame Alex for being less than enthused coming in second place to the champ. Shit gets old.
Best of luck in Week Two, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 