The Terrible Ten

Now THAT, my friends, was a helluva way to close out the 2021 regular season of The Terrible Ten! I don’t think I’ve ever been part of a final week that had so much up for grabs: not only both Week-One byes, but also all six available playoff slots for eight of the ten teams in the league. What more could you ask for?!

Puff’s Punishers has had a stranglehold on 1st place for much of the season. Things got a little shaky down the stretch — three losses in a row had him looking over his shoulder at me and Evil Empire — but you know what gets a guy back on track (besides a handy or an ice-cold beer)? A matchup with Growler Prowler, loser of ten in a row, that’s what. True to form, Palmquist’s team rolled over and gave the win to The Punishers, 146.20 – 95.98. Josh finishes the year as the top overall team and with a first-round bye. And then we have poor, poor Scott. Season’s over. Last-place finish. Doesn’t own 1.01 or 2.01. Sold off some of his top players along the way. And now has about five months until the rookie draft to think about this awful, terrible, no-good season.

Horseshoe Up My Hooper has been clinging desperately to second place for awhile now. It’s been a roller coaster lately — a loss to Alex, who was trying to tank; a win against Josh, best team in the league; Evil Empire screaming up the standings behind me. I needed the win in Week Fourteen to guarantee a bye week. Think I could come through? Hell no, I couldn’t. What I took as Scott looming behind me was actually The Analrapists, which caused me to pucker up just enough to lose 119.54 – 120.14. The win solidified Ted’s spot in the playoffs, keeping him out of the quagmire of 7-7 teams battling for the final spots; my loss exposed more than just the house of cards I’ve built for myself in 2021, which The Analrapists took all kinds of joy in.

Which meant Evil Empire — the hottest team in the league — could leapfrog me and take over the second playoff bye with a win against Science Walrus. Now, I won’t bore you by restating all the ways this hasn’t been Brent’s season. He needed all kinds of things to go his way to not only pull off the upset against Evil Empire, but also leapfrog two teams to ease into the playoffs. With that in mind, I may have partook in a little collusion when I offered myself up to the Walrus, Meredith Brooks-style, to get a little more effort out of Brent.

Let’s just say I took all of that tusk, baby. I may have a sore throat, but hey, Science Walrus took care of business in shocking fashion, defeating Evil Empire 113.42 – 106.26, thereby saving my second-place finish. Now he just needed all kinds of extra help to save his own season. Did he get it?

One domino that needed to fall was Buzzystinger, who had an “easy” matchup against Team Tank. I mean, who’d possibly lose to Alex in such an important make-or-break situation? Well…despite Alex’s valiant efforts to lose, he’s done the exact opposite down the stretch. Week Fourteen was no different, as Team Tank not only crushed Buzzystinger 128.34 – 97.86, but also cast him into the postseason abyss.

The last matchup between ZaWood and Urban Achievers was extra special, as it was not only a win-and-you’re-in for one of those teams, but also determined Science Walrus’ playoff fate. Sadly, despite a late-season run of victories for Zach, the matchup became a bit of a laugher when starters Elijah Mitchell, Keenan Allen, Deandre Swift, Tevin Coleman, and Elijah Moore all got bit by injury or Covid, leading to a double-up by Urban Achievers, 132.34 – 65.96. So where did that leave us? Well, ZaWood was feeling pretty impotent…

…Urban Achievers were feeling fantastic after making the playoffs for the first time…

…and by God, the effin’ Walrus made it into the playoffs despite one painful marathon through the regular season!

And with that, we bid adieu to Growler Prowler, Packer Hater, ZaWood, and Buzzystinger. May the off-season be kind to you and your teams. Keep an eye out for Cooper Kupp when I put him on the block after the Super Bowl. I feel the need to further lessen my team, so let’s get something done, ok?

Round One gives us a rematch between Evil Empire and Science Walrus, along with a grudge match between Urban Achievers and The Analrapists. Best of luck, fellas!

Me? I’m beat. Ahhhh, the bye week.

Andy