Thanks again for your patience with me in Week Eleven. I hate missing newsletters after you guys battle in the trenches all week — how else can I build you back up without my uplifting words of encouragement?! — but I got hit with a helluva bug. Here we are almost a week and a half later and I’m still under the weather. Lame. As alluded to last week, it came at an awful time because the ole Thanksgiving spread wasn’t sounding so good. I managed to choke down a small plate of food, so at least I got to partake a little, but it was a far cry from what it looks like most years.
So here we are, three weeks left in the regular season. The time when we separate the contenders from the pretenders, the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys. After pulling off wins I had no business achieving, Horseshoe Up My Hooper was poised to maintain its two-game lead in the standings by playing Alex’s Team Tank, which has sold off so many players he was forced to play dregs like Cordarrelle Patterson (ha!) and Myles Gaskin (hahaha!). I mean, what could go wrong, amiright?!
*sigh*
While my team gave me a sliver of hope going into Sunday Night Football, Mark Andrews did just enough for Alex to overcome the power of The Horseshoe, 101.28 – 98.22, earning his *checks notes* THIRD WIN IN A ROW?! Methinks Alex’s tank is a little off the rails lately.
My futility became even more devastating when factoring in Puff’s Punishers loss to ZaWood, 81.44 — 83.70. Gone was my chance to be tied for 1st place record-wise. Gone was my chance to outright take over 1st place in a head-to-head matchup with The Punishers in Week Thirteen. Gone, all gone! Then again, after choosing to play Sammy “Irrelevant For the Better Part of a Decade” Watkins over Michael “WR1 Because Cooper and Lamb Are Both Out” Gallup — making it two losses in a row for the once unstoppable team — Josh’s decision-making down the stretch may have his team coming apart at the seams anyway.
And then we have Evil Empire, who shows no signs of falling apart after winning his fifth matchup in a row, this time against the Urban Achievers, 134.56 – 111.76. The win moves Scotty to 3rd place overall, as well as puts him in line with Puff’s Punishers for most points scored on the season. It would take a major collapse by Josh for Scott to move into 1st over the next couple weeks, but you better believe i’m starting to pucker up over losing out on second place and one of those first-round byes.
As for the Urban Achievers, there’s no bigger kick in the balls than being the second-highest scorer for the week and being unfortunate enough to play against the top dog…especially when the untimely loss may be the end of his season.
Two 6-5 teams jockeying for playoff positioning — The Analrapists and Team Buzzystinger — squared off in an epic matchup in Week Twelve. In the end, Scary Terry McLaurin got enough points on MNF to ease Buzzystinger past The Analrapists 106.42 – 100.38. Bryon’s win puts him on more solid ground for making the playoffs and gives him an outside chance at a first-round bye; it also allowed Bryon to flip the script and show Ted who the real boss is.
I suppose it’s only fair to give equal time to the matchup between Science Walrus and Growler Prowler, but Christ is it tough to find the words. Scott has thrown in the towel on the season, trading away Davante Adams before the deadline; Brent is wading his way through continued injuries to his all-star roster. The result was a 73.88 – 66.22 victory for The Walrus. I mean, a win is a win, I guess. It keeps Brent on the edge of the playoffs anyway. And hey, Scott’s ninth (!!) loss in a row has all but given him 1.01 in next year’s draft, so at least he’s got that going for hi—.
Ohhhh. Um, yeah. Never mind. Forget that last bit, Scott. Just go back to your drink and…oh man, me and my big mouth.
Two weeks to go. Make ‘em count!
Best of luck in Week Thirteen, fellas.
Andy
The Terrible Ten 