A belated Happy Halloween to you and yours. I should have mentioned it in the last newsletter, but the holiday kind of snuck up on me this year. Anyone have any epic costumes? I know Scotty of the Evil Empire went as Coach Beard from Ted Lasso (characters from that show and from Squid Game seemed to dominate this year). I saw quite a few cool ones online, but I’m not sure any of them beat this Freddie/Freddy split personality.
Me, you ask? Initially I was gonna go as Hugh Hefner ‘cause, you know, I’m a straight-up pimp. But like I said, the big day was here before I knew it, so the red silk robe and extendo-cigarette-holder were sold out at the store. No problem. I pivoted and went as a Fantasy Football Posur instead, which worked out quite well. While my team would have lost to half the league with its putrid score (thanks for nothing, Murray-Hopkins stack), thankfully I was playing the impotent ZaWood. By the time the Vikes shit the bed on Sunday Night Football, I’d moved to 6-2 with a 103.02 – 77.02 victory. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
As ugly as that matchup was, numerous other games were even worse. Let’s start with the league’s Cinderella story in 2021: The Urban Achievers. Much praise has been heaped upon Redman for his shrewd drafting of young, up-and-coming stars. The experiment worked so well for the first seven weeks and then…? Well, then he came up against preseason favorite Science Walrus and got his ass whooped 123.46 – 82.54. So much hype, so much time on my knees building him up, so much jibber-jabber in the chat, only to have the league darling exposed for what he is.
Can it get stinkier than that?! Why, yes. Yes it can. This week Buzzystinger fielded an entire roster, yet somehow managed to score fewer points than last week. That might work against some of the chumps in this league, but certainly not against Puff’s Punishers, who dominated Bryon 127.12 – 80.94. Look at the bright side, Buzzy: at least you won’t have Burrow and Henry clogging up your roster moving forward.
But wait, there’s more! Come with me, folks, step right this way. Just beyond this curtain you’ll see something so confounding, so heart wrenching, so terrifying, it’ll take your breath away. I present to you Growler Prowler, a franchise that won a championship in Year One and was back in the semifinals in Year Two, an organization that climbed to the top of the mountain and achieved the ultimate FF glory, only to fall into the abyss of *gasp* mediocrity. This week’s debacle was at the hands of The Evil Empire, which force-drained the Prowler 109.32 – 64.12. Even in a much-needed victory, Scotty was sad to see what’s become of his opponent’s shriveled shell of a squad.
Who’d have thunk The Packer Hater would be in the only decent matchup of the weekend?! It was looking like Alex might eek out an unwanted win, but Ted’s pair of Vikes receivers did just enough on SNF to give The Analrapists the edge, 112.44 – 105.26. With the season already over half done and only one win under his belt, I’m assuming we’ll see even more “aw shucks” losses from Alex down the stretch.
Best of luck in Week Nine, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 