Hmm. What to do, what to do? Should I leave Redman’s blurb until last, making him wait for it as long as possible? Should I just ghost him with something like “Redman won…moving right along, how about The Walrus’ huge win in Week Five?!”, thereby giving him short shrift? God, that’d be awesome. I can picture the look on his face if I did it that way.
Aright, alright, goddamnit. Let’s just pull the band-aid off and get it over with.
Redman’s offensive output was historic for The Terrible Ten. 197.44 points blew away the previous record held by yours truly (184.52). On average, his eight players scored 24.68 points; remove that turd CEH from the equation, and the average bumps to 27.79 points apiece. And if he’d played Fournette instead of CEH, which he’d talked about earlier in the week, his grand total would have been 213.54. Regardless, it was a remarkable score considering we have no bonuses, a score that will be incredibly difficult to beat.
And so I offer heartfelt congrats on doubling up ZaWood, one of the worst teams in the league, 197.44 – 93.58, winning a meaningless regular-season game, and being on the cusp of the playoffs with a couple months left to screw it all up!
Probably rude of me to get on my knees for the Urban Achievers and then spit at the end, but that’s only because I was stuck swallowing a 128.34 – 117.16 loss to The Analrapists. It seemed like I was headed for a win at one point in the afternoon, but 30+ points from Austin Ekeler combined with my guy Kyler Murray having a down week left me licking my wounds. The pain was compounded when I won Best Manager of the Week for setting a lineup that was the biggest score I could attain…meaning even at my most efficient, I had no shot. *sigh*
Speaking of losers, this season hasn’t gone very well for either Science Walrus or Evil Empire. Both teams seemed like favorites in the preseason, yet they each found themselves at a disappointing 1-3 coming into the week. Would it have shocked anyone if they had played to a tie?! Shows what little I know, as they engaged in an epic 156.68 – 133.36 battle with Science Walrus coming out on top. Made sense after I gave it some thought. It is, after all, Brent’s favorite position.
Week Five saw more heartbreak, this time in the form of The One That Got Away. Puff’s Punishers has proven to be the team to beat at this point in the season, rattling off an undefeated record and the most points scored in the league. Growler Prowler, on the other hand, has been spinning his wheels in 2021, and it showed again in Week Five — benching Antonio Gibson’s 20 points in favor of Alex Collins’ 8 points (and only paying a 2nd rounder for the privilege of doing so); leaving another 20 from Claypool on the pine; having Derek Carr put up a lowly 7.24 points. Despite all that, it looked like Growler Prowler might pull off an almost 50-point comeback on MNF, but LJax’s 41.88 left Scott just short, 116.62 – 111.02. Man. Had a chance to take down the top team and get back above .500, but instead Palmquist was rewarded with…
Alex was almost a part of Another One That Got Away, but for a wholly different reason. At 1-3 and having traded away numerous stars, our resident Packer Hater has his eye on the future. It looked like this week’s matchup with rising star, Buzzystinger, would be another laugher en route to pick 1.01 in the next rookie draft. A 57-point deficit coming into MNF only proved the point. But then Michael Pittman scored almost 18 points and Mark Andrews went full ham for 36. I have to believe Alex was sweating out that OT session, but in the end, it went his way as Buzzy won it 114.40 – 111.10. Phew!
More London shenanigans this week, so plan accordingly. Best of luck in Week Six, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 