One month of football is in the books, and Redman is back to regale us with his updated power rankings. How have things changed in the past four weeks? Read on to see where you landed!
1. Josh’s Collection of Dildos That He Named: Thomas Jane, Ray Stevensen, and Jon Bernthal
(Up 2 Spots)
Give this guy the trophy now. Studs across the board putting up big numbers. I’m sure there’s no possible way anything can go wrong in the next ten weeks for the guy that has everything including a tender backside.
2. The Delicious and Economical Breakfast Sandwich: Moons Over My Hammy
(Down 1 Spot)
Despite having the strongest team on paper to start the year, misfortune has fallen on Thomas Dolby with tusks. I’m straining to understand what the issue is. This team just seems to be hamstrung. Something tells me they will be ok though. (In 4-6 weeks)
P. S. I’m fairly certain I pulled something in the back of my leg while writing about this soft ass, recovery ward of a team.
3. Lead Vocalist for the Police, in Tantric Meditatio
(Up 3 Spots)
Lethal combination of veteran and young QBs. A running back that was stolen at gunpoint from a desperate team at the end of its pitiful rope. Legit WR1s. There’s definitely a buzz around this team and they will be tough to bee(t). Don’t worry, I hate myself for what I just said enough for all of us.
4. Corrupt Commonwealth
(Down 2 Spots)
Tough to imagine better days aren’t ahead for the champ, but if he keeps digging this hole he may be laid to rest in it. The Yankees of our league are living up to their name with high-priced talent that occasionally shits down their leg.
5. Forced Rear Entry
(Up 4 Spots)
What can I say? The anus takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Rattling off wins last year into the playoffs has carried through to this season and we may have a contender on our hands. (Better than blue paint right?) Imagine if Tua wasn’t a bigger bust than Chestie LaRue…
6. Emmett Otter
(Down 2 Spots)
The inaugural champ finds himself at an early crossroads. Will he stay the course or sell his soul in the coming weeks. One week he’s dominant, the next a submissive cuck. The talent is certainly there but this team is difficult to gauge, as is Scott’s decision of which QB to start in his SF spot each week. At least he can throw Davis Mills out the equation. Keep losing pal, I need to increase the value of those Carr picks you gifted me. Much like how you helped me turn Haskins into Ja’marr Chase. I’ll be in your debt for that for the next 10-15 years.
7. Inner City Children of Promise but Without the Necessary Means for a Necessary Means for a Higher Education
(Unchanged)
Starting to come together Pepper, starting to come together. Or is it? Probably not. I’ll go as far as the youngsters take me. Either my youth movement continues to improve and I ascend to a potential playoff spot with a team on fire that no one wants to play or, more likely, I shit the bed and continue my charge of being the doormat of the league. I ain’t hear no fat lady yet.
8. Cialis in Wonderland
(Down 3 Spots)
Darnold to Moore has been a revelation, and these RBs are a problem and the heart of this team. Color me skeptical that heart can keep pumping enough blood for this team to be consistently hard… to beat.
9. George Jettison
(Down 1 Spot)
Oh my god it’s a FIRE, sale (sorry Ted. I know that’s your bit). Who needs good players when you can throw them away like one of Josh’s old butt plugs, stockpile picks, and still contend for victories with checks notes 2013 (!) 1st round pick of the Vikings, Cordarelle Patterson. Sometimes teams get caught looking ahead to their next opponent but rarely do they have the vision and savvy to look ahead to their next season before the current season is barely underway.
10. A Trash Bag Filled With Wet Shit
(Unchanged)
I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to tell y’all how truly terrible Andy’s team is nor do I know if I have the stomach to continue much longer. He can’t finish higher than 2nd place because the fantasy gods can’t stand him and frankly, I don’t blame them. The only thing more delusional than Andy believing he can win is his belief that finishing runner-up matters.
I’m certain karma will come for me for everything I’ve just said, but there’s no sense worrying about what the future holds. So on that note, I’d like to invite you all to have sex with yourselves because in my opinion, that’s what you can go ahead and do.
I think I’ll let that mic drop stand on its own. How could I add anything better than that?!
Thanks again for the essay, Red!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 