If I had any class whatsoever, I’d just write a nice introduction to the weekly newsletter, run through the scores in a factual manner, wish you all good luck in Week Three, and not call special attention to my matchup.
If I had any class.
Yeah.
Remember that cute little guest essay Redman wrote for us? How did that one go again? Let me go back and look quick.
*checks notes*
Oh, here it is! That’s right: Science Walrus was the team to beat, and my team was dead last in the rankings. Ahhh, Redman. Truly appreciative of you taking all that time to write your post. Makes pissing all over Brent’s team that much more fun after such a build-up.
Ok, ok, I’ll move it along here. Admittedly it wasn’t looking good for 2 ina KHunt, 1 ina Hooper. I’m still using only one QB after trading away Josh Allen, and Jarvis Landry was hurt immediately in Week Two, rendering my Superflex spot worthless. Thankfully Kyler Murray and Cooper Kupp came to play, stacking up enough points to keep up with Brent’s potent lineup. Hockenson’s big game on MNF was enough to get me over the hump, 125.00 – 116.28, moving this “last-place team” to 2-0 on the year while handing Science Walrus an early-season beat. It’s good to be king, baby!
But I’m not the only undefeated team in the league. If I fancy myself The King, I’m more like the end-days Elvis who died on the shitter while eating peanut butter-banana sandwiches; Puff’s Punishers, on the other hand, is dancing over the league like he’s wearing a sequined jumpsuit and blue suede shoes. Josh’s latest victim was reigning champ, Evil Empire, who crumbled under the onslaught, 140.62 – 110.90. So far, it’s looking like selling out for Stafford, Cook, and Woods is working out quite well indeed.
My favorite story of this short season has to be Buzzystinger rising from the ashes to crush his opponents on the way to being our third 2-0 team. Things are finally looking up after a couple tough years, thanks in no small part to the addition of Derrick Henry. His 44.70 points in Week Two was the 7th highest individual performance we’ve had, and Buzzy’s 161.04 total points were good enough for 5th all-time. On the other end of the spectrum, it’s been a tough season for ZaWood, who’s staring at an 0-2 record and has already had 312 points scored against him. Ugh. So deflating.
If Buzzy’s my favorite story, Redman’s Urban Achievers is a close second (and not just because I’m well on my way to 1.01, thankyouverymuch). I’ve been curious to see how the rookie squad would do, and to this point it hasn’t disappointed. Week Two saw solid efforts from Najee Harris, Ja’marr Chase, and Kyle Pitts. Unfortunately, Rondale Moore was left on the bench in place of, ah, CEH?! Oof, that stings. The roster gaffe left the door open for The Analrapists to earn their first victory of the season, 113.34 – 89.44, while Redman licks his wounds at rock bottom.
Purposefully last, and obviously least, Packer Hater and Growler Prowler were engaged in a slapfest over the weekend. Heading in MNF football the score was around the 60-70 mark, with the slight edge going to The Hater. Unfortunately for Alex, The Prowler got a monster game from Lamar Jackson, helping Scott earn his first W, 94.70 – 80.50, while dumping Alex toward the bottom of the standings.
A soft win isn’t normally a drink-worthy occasion for the former champ, but after breaking a losing streak that goes all the way back to the playoffs last season, Scott decided it was ok to blow off a little steam. I’d say it helped wash the bad taste out of his mouth, but I’m not sure the beer actually touched his palate.
Best of luck in Week Three, fellas!
Andy
The Terrible Ten 