The Terrible Ten

Before we recap this week’s action, I need to get something off my chest.

Fantasy football is essentially Dungeons & Dragons for people who like sports more than orcs. There are obviously many, many things more important than this game we play together. That being said, fantasy football has grown into a multi-billion dollar industry. Not only are chumps like us playing for a small pot of money and a cool trophy, but there’s also no doubt the NFL, its teams, and all of its players are making much more money as a direct result of increased interest due to daily and season-long games.

Which brings me to Josh Jacobs. After being labeled as Questionable all week, he was finally switched to Active in the 90 minutes leading up to Sunday’s late-afternoon games. Shortly thereafter my phone started blowing up when outlets reported that even though he was active, Jacobs stated he wouldn’t be playing.

As such, tons of fantasy owners were scrambling to shuffle their rosters and plug the hole in their lineups. Then with about 30 minutes left before game time, it was further reported that Jacobs wouldn’t be sitting out of the game, but was instead trolling fantasy managers, knowing it was playoff week for most teams. This was his response:

I know some players don’t pay any attention to fantasy sports, nor do I expect them to. But I’d say it’s a little tone deaf to mock and ridicule fans, whether they’re watching Raiders games because they’re die-hard fans of the team or because they have a few bucks riding on the game from afar. I’m guessing ole Josh won’t mind the millions of dollars coming his way after his next contract, some of which will be made possible by dorks like us watching his mostly awful football team.

[At least I kept my composure up above. Check out this oldie-but-goodie from last season when the Arizona Cardinals trolled fantasy players and Matthew Berry lost his mind.]

Onward to round one of The Terrible Ten playoffs!

Truth be told, I was nervous entering my Week 14 battle with Zach. Not only had I lost 4 of my last 6 matchups down the stretch, but Zach was also consistently putting up big numbers during the season, finishing fourth in scoring.

But then Sunday got rolling and by the time the afternoon games were over, I was only down by 8 points, he was done for the week, and I still had Josh Allen and Diontae Johnson to go. I was a shoe-in for the semifinals, right?

At halftime of the Steelers-Bills game, Allen and Diontae only had 4 points. I repeat, 4 points. Now, most people in my position would have been on full tilt. Can you imagine the prospect of needing 8 measly points and coming up short?! But not me. Oh no, I was cool as a cucumber. Not once did I think I’d lose. Nope. I had full and complete confidence in my squad getting me to the next round.

Ok, so, your commish was losing his fucking mind that night! It’s a shame there wasn’t a hidden camera on me, as I haven’t been that angry and squirmy in a long, long time. Fortunately, Allen and the Bills came out guns a’blazing in the second half, letting me off the hook with a 116.88 – 100.52 victory over ZaWood. As for Zach, this is the second year in a row he’s been one-and-done in the playoffs. Oof…how deflating.

Our other game looked like a huge mismatch on paper: ScienceWalrus (the team with the second most points on the season) vs The Analrapists (the team with the least amount of points on the season). That being said, it’s been an uphill battle for Ted all season, and he’s still here putting up a fight.

It was a fun story to follow — especially the part when he beat Redman by .02 points. Remember that?! — but The Little Engine That Could finally petered out, losing to Brent 114.52 – 74.84 and ending his Cinderella season.

As for Brent, his win not only projects him into the semifinals, but also shone a light on possible diamonds in the rough for his future matchups. Baker Mayfield suddenly looks like an NFL quarterback, and maybe more importantly, the Rams have finally taken the reins off of Cam Akers. Will these pieces help ScienceWalrus complete the puzzle on a championship season, or will they only yield fantasy heartache?

And with that, we’re set for the semis — Two Christians, One Kupp vs my arch-nemesis, Growler Prowler; and ScienceWalrus against the league’s top team, The Evil Empire. Here’s hoping Brent and I bring our A-game this week. These Scotts haven’t been messing around in 2020.

Best of luck in Round Two, gents.

Andy

p.s. Cody lost again. You know, just in case you didn’t notice.