And just like that, we’ve come to the final week of the regular season. While some of us will continue competing in the playoffs, this marks the final time we’ll have a full slate of games. Already I’ve heard the wailing and gnashing of teeth as the reality of the losers’ situation dawns on them.
No more setting lineups. No more last-minute tweaks to the FAAB. No more trades. And, worst of all, no more Underachievers futilely trying to spoil seasons while the league laughs and does its best Coach Brown impersonation week-in and week-out.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here…
Week Thirteen had plenty of significant matchups on tap. First up, Alex needed to win his matchup against me, and hope for a little help from his friends, in order to sneak into the playoffs. Unfortunately, The Wiz wasn’t able to take care of business, losing to Two Christians, One Kupp 122.22 – 95.74. Despite a decent season points-wise, Alex fell victim to the dreaded Points Against. He scratched and clawed his way through thirteen weeks, but in the end his magic was not enough to overcome the battering he took from the rest of us. A valiant effort, but alas, it’s off to the abyss with him.
Arguably the biggest match of the week pitted ScienceWalrus against Growler Prowler, the winner of which would get a free ride through the first round of the playoffs. While Brent put up one of the higher scores of the week, Mr. Palmquist put up the *highest* score of the week, thumping the Walrus 129.96 – 110.08. The win is Scott’s 7th in the last 8 weeks (the only loss during that time being by a fraction of a point), so The Champ comes into the playoffs red-hot. Hopefully his remaining opponents bring their A-game or they’ll look pretty silly trying to dethrone him.
The league’s other Scott, he of The Evil Empire, has also been on a roll this season. Week 13 was no exception as he flattened The Punishers 122.72 – 98.60, sending Josh into the off-season licking his wounds and wondering how the season got away from him (hint: AJ Green is washed). As for Osterloh, he was so excited to be in 1st place AND have a first-round bye that he, uh, licked himself as well.
And then we come to The Analrapists. I’ve played this game for a lot of years, and I’m not sure I’ve seen a team overcome so much — trading away a stud RB for a QB that hasn’t played in months; having more Points Against than Points For until Week 12; having anywhere from 200-350 less points than every team in the playoffs; and yet, in spite of it all, he comes out of the regular season with an 8-5 record and a chance at the trophy. How the hell?!
The cherry on top? Ted controlled his own destiny if he could eek out a win against this year’s rival, The Underachievers, whom he beat earlier in the season by, that’s right, point-zero-two points! As miserable as Cody’s season was, I’m guessing it would have looked just a little better if he’d been able to exact revenge for that earlier loss. And while Ted scored a lowly 87.94 points in the rematch, Cody was only able to cobble together a lowlier 75.46 (thanks Herbert and CEH!). While there’s every reason to believe Redman’s youth movement this year and next year will propel him to greener pastures down the road, that doesn’t make it any easier to open wide one last time in 2020.
And last, we only had one game that didn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things (which is pretty impressive, this late in the season). In it, ZaWood exterminated Buzzystinger, 102.50 – 75.80. While Zach is only 7-6, he was quietly one of the high scorers this season. I’m guessing he’ll be a tough out come playoff time (bodes well for me in the first round). As for Bryon, he made some improvements over last year’s abysmal season. With the right picks in next year’s rookie draft, who knows what he could transform into?
And so, we bid adieu to Redman, Josh, Bryon, and Alex. For the rest of us…IT’S PLAYOFF TIME, BABY!
Best of luck to everyone in Round One not named Zach…
Andy
The Terrible Ten 