Week One is in the books, and what a wild week it was! Some of the league’s studs did a whole lot of nothing; numerous rookies put up massive numbers; a rash of injuries took out some high-profile players (never heard of so many collarbone issues in my life); and we all heard more than enough about AB.
There was plenty o’ action in The Terrible Ten as well, starting with an ankle-grabbing that was worse than anything The Analrapists could con-cocked. Palmquist’s Growler Prowlers put up a massive score of 135.96 (good for second highest in the league), only to be outdone by Osterloh’s Great Scottsmen, which scored 138.32. Last I saw Scott P., he was drowning his sorrows at the local watering hole.
May as well stay with the rape motif, as Ted’s squad ended up on the receiving end of an 87.48 – 108.28 pounding by Alex’s Packer Haterz. Talk about an embarrassment for Ted, especially with can’t-miss players like Top-3 RB Austin Ekeler and the always-consistent Desean Jackson purposely left on his bench. No one else would have made such bone-headed omissions from their lineups. What were you thinking?!
In other news, ZaWood extinguished Puff’s Punishers, 116.08 – 94.56. It was a tough week for many of Josh’s players, from Aaron Jones putting up a turd of a game (that’s what you get for drafting a Packer, cuz) to Tyreek Hill being skunked after an early collarbone issue. I wouldn’t worry about TyFreak too much though: he’s pretty experienced with broken bones.
Moving along, Brent’s Science Walrus shaved down Buzzystinger with a score of 103.04 – 81.56. Now Bryon, I know you mean well by being a good dude and such, but I’m gonna let you in on a secret: when you’re up against a Walrus that is significantly bigger than you are, it might be time to throw out the cutesy bumblebee shtick and try something a little more menacing.
Saving the best for last, one of my team’s namesakes exploded for 38 fantasy points as I thoroughly dismantled Redman’s Lebowski squad, 126.68 – 98.04. Haven’t played FF with Redman in a few years, but I picked up right where we left off, mopping the floor with his hapless squad. Time to make some changes, man, because The Dude most definitely does not abide.
Best of luck in Week Two, gents!
The Terrible Ten 