I’d like to open with an apology. I know that all of you would *much* rather read about my brilliant team than slog through an essay about the Punishers’ dregs. For making you wait, I offer up a sincere “I’m sorry” and throw myself at your feet, begging for forgiveness. But, we can’t have total anarchy, so stay with the draft order we must. Luckily for you, I drafted second, so without further ado:
Andy (Two Christians, One Kirk)
Strongest Position(s): RB
Obviously my team is air tight from top to bottom, but one position that’s a teeny-tiny bit better than the others is Running Back. Assuming players sign some contracts, I have three top-10 RBs on the roster (with a suspended woman-beating fourth waiting in the wings if Chubb goes out). Not a bad position to lock down in a new dynasty league.
Weakest Position(s): QB
I tried to list Defense and Kicker here, but they tell me that’s cheating because we don’t use them in our league. Whatever.
I guess there’s rumbling that my QBs are thin? I’m taking that to mean they’re svelte as opposed to inept. Surely you understand that I would never, ever pick a player that wasn’t of the highest quality, and I think Murray, Allen, Mariota, Lock, and Stidham equate to greatness beyond compare. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little tidit of information: I had a secret weapon when I made those picks.
Best Value: Zeke Elliott
It’s weird to put a first-rounder on the list, but never in my wildest dreams did I think Zeke would be available at 1.10 when I was creating equity with my trade-backs. With only three years under his belt and consistent top-5 finishes (when he’s not suspended, that is), this is the gift that will keep on giving for years to come. Thanks, dopes.
Biggest Failure: Not Selecting Jared Goff
I’m filling out this section under protest. Obviously me and failure are as diametrically opposed as Brent and Super Bowl victories, but rules are rules, I guess.
On the precipice of a multi-round drought of picks, and with Kyler Murray as my lone QB to that point, I passed on Jared Goff and went for rookie TE T.J. Hockenson. Now, there’s not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that he’ll eclipse Gonzalez and Gates COMBINED in the first few years of his HOF career, but whatever. If people think I should have taken another QB before I was left with Josh Allen, that’s their prerogative.
Sleeper: C.J. Anderson
Taken just before AP (whom I selected as Josh’s sleeper), I think Anderson will prove to be quite valuable for the low price of a pick at 20.9. While Kerryon Johnson will get the most play, Anderson will get the smash-mouth yardage, which leads to plenty of vultured touchdowns. Plus, if Johnson comes up limp (nyuk-nyuk-nyuk), C.J. proved he can handle the lead role when he took over for Gurley late last season.
Overall Score: A+
The only reason I didn’t grade myself higher was solely due to the lack of additional tiers in the lame standard ranking system. With RBs that are second to none, a pile of can’t-miss QBs, and the murderer’s row of WRs that I never even touched upon, there’ll be nothing stopping my team from bulldozing you chumps into a bloody pulp.
The Terrible Ten 