The Terrible Ten

“I’ll drink up all the Hennessy you got on your shelf, so just let me introduce myself…”

Is there a better way to start a new dynasty league than to reference “The Humpty Dance”?

Welcome one and all to the inaugural season of The Terrible Ten fantasy football league. After trying to come up with ways to disperse content to the league (including a fucking dreadful attempt at creating videos for YouTube), I’ve decided to start a blog for the league. Watch this space for newsletters, videos, poll questions, etc as the 2019 season gets underway.

With as quickly as this thing was cobbled together, I figured it would be a good idea to make some introductions in advance of the draft.

I’ll start with myself. This’ll be my 14th year of playing fantasy football. When it comes to work/family leagues — the kind where half the people are serious players and the other half are simply there to add juice to the pot — I’m a fucking wizard. I’m so far in the black that I can afford to lose more often than not in the tough leagues. I’m anticipating this league will require some major chops to win; as such, I also assume my winnings will be few and far between.

Drafting first is my cousin, Josh Pearce, whom I’ve been playing fantasy football with since the beginning. Even though he’s a Vikings homer — it’s a distinct possibility he’ll take Kyle Rudolph at 1.01 as well as petition Sleeper to add Randy Moss to the FA pool “just in case” — he can usually back up his incessant smack talk.

Drafting third is Zach Wood, who comes by way of Brent and Scott O. He comes highly regarded, and is living up to their claim that he is super chill. I’ve never met the man, but for some reason I’m picturing Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? How close am I?

Drafting fourth is Cody “Red” Redman, another guy I’ve been balling with since the get-go (and yes, the innuendo was on purpose). Red is an enigma. During auction drafts, you won’t see him make a bid for the first 60-90 minutes. Just as people are beginning to think he’s asleep or passed out, the bidding begins. The names are never really sexy, and he almost always has leftover money at the end of the auction. When the draft dust settles you can’t help but laugh at the fool…until the jackass has your money in his pocket and the league trophy hoisted above his head. Keep your eyes open; you won’t see him coming.

Brett, er, I mean Brent, is drafting fifth. I love this guy, if only because he’s got the same penchant for trades as I do. Problem is, whereas mine are usually questionable, he’s almost always on the winning side (including one time I actually traded him Mark Ingram for Corey Coleman *sigh*). Proceed with caution when dealing with this cat.

Alex is drafting from the sixth spot, and while there’s not a single bad player in this league, Alex is likely to make a push for the top. He’s been an offensive force in a different league we play in, coming up just short one year before winning it all the following year. Extra kudos for doing it all while losing as many brain cells as the rest of us combined (which is saying a lot when I look across this league).

Seventh is Ted, who joined my workplace a few years back. We added the “Fucking New Guy” to our league that same year, figuring he was fodder for the rest of us…and then he proceeded to kick our asses without mercy. To this point Ted is suffering from “one-and-done” syndrome, but it wouldn’t surprise me to see him seal the deal this year (much to Mrs. Tegen’s delight).

Scott Osterloh of the mighty FF Evil Empire is drafting eighth. Being he’s my boss *cue robot voice* I am obligated to state that he’s super smart and handsome and the best fantasy football player I’ve ever seen *end robot voice*. In all seriousness, Scott knows his shit, often sacrificing the short-term to make the long play. You’ve been warned.

Number nine is Bryon Rogers, who comes by way of Ted. There are only two things I know about the man: first, he spells his name with the same letters as “Byron,” so it’s only a matter of time before I pull a “Brett” and fuck that up; and second, he’s my favorite league member because he’s the only one who’s paid me yet.

Rounding out the league is “Other” Scott Palmquist, another member of the work league I run. They say the only three certainties in life are death, taxes, and Palmquist being at the top of the Points For column each year. With luck, he won’t also be at the top of the Points Against column this season.

Well, now that I lived up to my team name and pulled your collective puds, you can all get fucked and fail miserably while I run away with this draft later tonight. Bwahahahaha!

Over and out.

Andy