[Howdy, fellas. I was at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned this morning, and what did I see when my appt was over? A new Power Rankings essay, courtesy of Mr. Redman, owner of Urban Achievers! So pour yourself a cup of coffee (code word for whiskey, being my boss might read this), kick up your feet, and enjoy the following impartial words of wisdom.]
Here we are in Week 12, trade deadline week. The week for everyone to decide how they can best position themselves for the future. Be it for a playoff push this year or greener grass beyond, our decisions this week could echo for years to come. As I sit here waiting while my beloved lays on an operating table having heart surgery, it occurred to me everyone absolutely must be clamoring for a power ranking update. You never asked for them and you never had to. I know everyone cherishes my thoughts much the same as you all cherish me and my humble nature. Let’s see how things are shaking out, shall we?
1. Evil Empire
Until further notice, we can’t ignore the Tiger-esque dominance Scott has displayed. Because of that, he is slotted here due to the nature of the top spot giving bad fortune to those who dwell in it. Waaay further down the list you can see what it’s done for Brent. Scott still has plenty of horses, but many of them are starting to look like thoroughbreds that have gone out to stud. Losing Dak don’t help the stack and Mahomes hasn’t exactly been himself. Let’s all hope it’s the beginning of the end.
Verdict: Buyer, always a buyer.
2. QB Farm Team
It’s not how you win but how many, and Andy has won more than anyone else. Number two is familiar for this franchise and apropos due to the fact we know he’ll shit the bed when it counts. The smoke and mirrors can only get you so far and the limit is a silver medal. Might be time to sell some more QBs but due to his record —
Verdict: Buyer.
3. Puff’s Punishers
A stacked team built to win now who deserves a championship. Where have we seen this movie before? Every year Josh is a powerhouse off the tee only to 3-putt his way to a playoff exit. Hard to call him a seller with such a big opportunity to finally win in front of him, but equally hard to call him a buyer with his lack of draft capital.
Verdict: Hold and hope.
4. Growler Prowler
Our league’s highest scorer most of the year has now been overtaken by Josh’s juggernaut, but you can’t sleep on his 19-player Ravens stack that continues to carry him. A healthy Puka getting peppered and a savvy move for DK have Drunk Scott positioned for a run. Or not, considering one bad game from Baltimore and he’s cooked.
Verdict: Buyer.
5. Urban Achievers
Never as good as I think I am, I will humbly (see!) slot in the middle. I’ve got what it takes to win it all with every position featuring a stud due to elite roster management and unequaled skill. No owner in the history of fantasy football has ever assembled such an enviable roster. I also have stunning good looks and a large penis. Like I said, humble.
Verdict: Buyer, or seller if you want to buy from me to help me continue to look to the future while I remain in the middle.
6. The Analrapists
Ted wins with defense and savvy, under-the-radar moves. Like trading for Zamir White before the season. Or who could forget when he went out and got Minshew and Kelly (oh so smelly). In fairness, Ted was not deterred and he also bought low on Javonte and MAndrews, so he has positioned himself nicely. Will his misplaced, never-give-up attitude make him want to be a buyer? We shall see.
Verdict: ???
7. Packerh8r84
Alex is an even bigger question mark than me or Ted when it comes to the buyer/seller dilemma. He has to buy if he wants to make the playoffs, and he has the players and picks to make it happen. A big move could be in store for this squad. Which direction it takes him remains to be seen. My dms are open.
Verdict: ???
8. ZaWood
Zach seemed to be ascending at the start of the year but has Zached himself more than any Zach has ever Zached. With a limp record yet again, assets must be moved with an eye on at least a partial growth next year.
Verdict: Seller
9. Science Walrus
Tough year for Mr. First Round Exit. Who could’ve foreseen the terror that being at the top of the power rankings would reign upon Brent? It’s been sell mode for a while and brighter days are ahead.
Verdict: Seller
10. Buzzystinger
Getting tired of seeing you here, Byron. The sell must be unmerciful to turn it around. Still, we have seen life from this squad and a win in week 14 could do a lot for morale through the offseason. (Commish note: fuck off, Redman.)
Verdict: Seller dweller
[And that’s that, fellas. Thanks to Red for pulling it all together. Now get those trade offers cooking, and let’s see who makes all the right moves on the way to engraving their name on the trophy for 2024. Hint: it won’t be me.]
The Terrible Ten 